Q. "I am a single mother with a 7 year old daughter (Caitlin), and two sons (Tom, 9 & Liam, 11). Cait is doing fine, but I am having real problems with the too boys. Tom has learning difficulties at school, but seems to behave fine there. It is when he comes home that we get all the temper tantrums. Liam just seems to hate me. He is always rude, and never shows any affection towards me. Liam's dad never visits, and Tom's dad died when he was a baby. I am so stressed, what am I doing wrong?"



A. I'm sorry you're having problems with them. We all expect parenting to be fun and rewarding, at least most of the time.

First, stop blaming yourself as it won't accomplish a thing. Just like anyone else, you have most likely made lots of bad decisions. It doesn't matter. The big question is what do you do now, to make the best of what you have?

Your daughter is doing well - so you must be doing something right as a mum!

It is also good news that your younger son is doing well at school. If he is able to settle down and work, even though he has learning difficulties, that is very encouraging. However, you might want to check with the school about how much he is struggling there, as it may be that he is bringing his frustrations home.

Both sons are probably feeling the lack of their dads. It is very difficult to work on this. In some ways it is probably easier for the younger one. "A dead dad is better than an uncaring dad" since there is no ongoing rejection involved. Obviously there is not much you can do about the absent dad. All you can do is be matter of fact about it. Don't try to defend him, nor overly criticise him - if you do the former, your son will feel you are taking the "loser dad's " side instead of his. If you criticise him, your son will rush to defend him, after all, he is his dad.

You can only change yourself, not the children. Think about how you could be different in order to make your life more peaceful. It may surprise you to know that if you appear more positive, it will rub off on them. If you keep things the way they are, nothing will ever change.

The most important thing for you is to believe in yourself and your children. Look ahead instead of back, and make a decision as to how you want to be. Keep that vision positive. In other words, don't think about what you don's want and don't keep worrying. Imagine all the things you do want to happen. Remember too that changes come in baby steps, so you won't be completely happy overnight. Just keep making small advances and know that how you're living now takes a lot of work. Read parenting books, talk to other parents. As long as you keep focused on improving your lives, you will get there.