My ex knew about all the major plans I made involving our daughters. I had custody, so when we moved, she knew about it. I discussed where they should go to school with her first. She helped me choose a dentist for them. I always thought that communicating about our kids welfare with her was important.



That is one aspect of family living after divorce that has to be addressed: communicating changes. Your ex is not the only one who needs good communication, however. Your kids need it too, especially if you are the parent with whom the children live. I came across a method from corporate America involving executive decisions. The CEO and Vice Presidents always did a Sanity Check before they made any announcements:

1. Does this make sense?

2. Who else needs to know?

3. Who will be affected by this decision?

Please think about these three questions when you make decisions in your kids' lives that can affect both them and others. If you can answer "Yes" to "Does this make sense?" does that mean it makes sense only to you? Have you run it by a mentor or parent or wise friend? Would an adult friend at work give you the green light? I know we all think that our decisions are like crystal, but others might not see the same clarity you do. If you run your decision by others, they might help you shine more light on it.

Who else in the life of you, your children, and your ex's family and friends needs to be taken into consideration? Have you informed that set of grandparents? Does this involve the child's school in any way? Have you told the school? What about your childcare provider? Will your decision affect them? It's nice to give as many people as you can proper notice so they can weave the change into their own plans?

Who will be affected by this decision? Is it a good affect or not? Universal good means the greatest good for the greatest number and I hope you'll operate under that auspice. How will the child be affected? Because looking after what is good for them is a priority, this consideration should be #1 on your list.

When you find yourself planning major moves that will alter your life and the lives of your kids when you're divorced, I don't think it's wise to run these ideas by children under the age of 12. They don't process change easily and they may still be recovering from the changes forced on them by the divorce, so if you can do your processing out of sight or earshot from them, it would be a great kindness. You can always tell them at a more appropriate time and place after your decision has been implemented. I always thought that communication with my ex was important though and worked to make that happen for the sake of my kids.