Divorce does nasty things to nice people and I am hoping you have not allowed your own bruised feelings over the divorce to justify doing nasty things. I've seen some divorcees deliberately do things divisively to anger their ex. Your children are watching, hello! Surely, you don't categorize this mean sighted behavior as beneficial to them?



Some people would say your Inner Child is in control doing all these things. I would say that your inner child is a bit of a brat and needs to grow up. Let's examine some ways you might be using to punish your ex, and let's also look at stopping it. Please recall that regardless of the fact that you might not have wanted this divorce yourself, your children certainly did not. I know of no children who were happy about their parents splitting up. So now, you've got to put their needs first and give up on your grousing.

1. SPITEFULNESS. This attitude shows malicious ill will and a desire to hurt. It also shows that you're terribly hurt and you want them to know how much you are hurting. I'd like to suggest that spitefulness really isn't making anyone feel any bit better for it: you don't feel better; your ex doesn't feel better (or understand your hurt); and the children are uncomfortable around you when you do it. Basically, when you use spite, you hurt yourself and your children even more! I'd recommend that when you want to do something spiteful, you ask yourself "What good can come to me or my children from this?" If there is no good accruing, please don't do it. Try using words to express how hurt you are.

2. REFUSING TO MAKE CHANGES. The court has set up the custody agreement. This is IT and there IS NO DEVIATING! Really? Never? Come on now - there are always circumstances where plans have to be changed. Flexibility is a good thing. Reasonableness is a good thing. Cooperation is a good thing. I realize that there might be times when your ex simply doesn't want to hold up his end of the bargain and expects you to always be the one to change. I also know that you know the difference between that circumstance and a real reason to change. Be generous. Your kids will appreciate it.

3. LETTING YOUR KIDS DO THE PUNISHING. Our children are brilliant - all of them. They know exactly how to get inside of us, how to get on our good side, how to get what they want. Heaven forfend that you told your children their mom was evil and should be punished, and that they then start to punish her for you with their bad behavior. You would be the ultimate loser! You've taught them that it's okay to be vindictive and mean. Is this really how you'd like your kids to turn out? If you see them do this punishing, have a chat with them and discourage this behavior.

4. ALIENATION OF AFFECTION. Were you the dumper or the dumpee? If you were the dumpee, I'd hazard a guess that you have lost all feelings of affection toward your ex spouse, and now, you'd really like to make her feel the same way you do, so you withhold all affection from her. Am I right? In civil law, alienation of affection used to be a great reason for a divorce - one of you was taken out of the marriage contract by a third other. Look. Let's not make this about blame. Let's not return malice with vindication. It's okay to acknowledge your hurt over being dumped. I have a question for you? Just how long do you intend to continue to foster this hurt? That recalls to mind the story of the man who crawled across the desert dying of thirst. "I'm so thirsty. I'm so thirsty" he wailed. He came to an oasis and drank. As he crawled out the other side of the oasis, he wailed "I was so thirsty. I was so thirsty." Like that.

5. YOU DON'T HAVE TO LISTEN TO HER: You are so angry your ex left you and took up with "her." I have a friend who, knowing what a sap her husband makes out of women, calls the new woman "True Love." So, because you're so angry at him, you tell your kids that you are their mommy and they don't have to listen to her. Well, of course they do. When they visit dad, his new mate lives there. It is her home as well as his and she is well within her rights to expect her reasonable boundaries to be honored. (Unreasonable boundaries is not the subject of this paragraph.) Loving kindness begets loving kindness and isn't this what you'd like your children to experience? Try sitting down the three of you together (you, him, and True Love) and work out something that is beneficial for your children. Children are wrenched apart with adult squabbling, so quit it.