may feel more challenging during emotional stages accompanied by the transition. The pain of divorce moves through a process that is very much like what happens to us when someone we love dies. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross did extensive work with terminal patients and studied how their feelings changed from the process of initial discovery to eventual death. These stages are useful in understanding how children grieve about the loss of the family as they imagined it. The grieving process is a progression of feelings and emotional states that move by stages. Grief is a normal way children deal with loss. These stages may vary in order; may be experienced simultaneously, or may be revisited after having progressed into the next stage. The grief process is painful, difficult, and inevitable, but the end result is healing, which will ultimately lead to growth.
The initial reaction to any traumatic event is shock; an inability or unwillingness to believe what is happening. After the initial shock, Kubler-Ross identifies five stage of coping with loss:
1.Denial - Denial is a common first response children experience because they need to believe that their parents will change their minds and the divorce is not going to happen. "Mom or Dad will change their mind." "Dad will come home next week."
2.Anger - Children experiencing anger want to blame someone for the sadness they feel. They are often irritable, aggressive and uncooperative. "I hate Dad for leaving us." "Mom should have cooked more and kept the house cleaner."
3.Bargaining - In this stage, children may feel their parents will stay together if they make a deal. The bargaining stage allows the child to feel they have some control over the situation, and they try to please. In bargaining, the child can focus on hope and delay facing sadness. "If I do all my homework maybe Mom and Dad will call off the divorce."
4.Depression - Depression involves a great sense of loss and sadness children feel when they realize that nothing will stop the divorce. Parents need to allow their children to grieve the loss and express their sadness. When a parent rushes to encourage the child to focus only on the positive, it may be a reflection of the parent's inability to process sadness in themselves. "I can't stop the divorce and can't fix the situation."
5.Acceptance - Acceptance is not characterized by happiness; it means moving beyond the feelings of loss. It begins when there is less depression, more resolution and stability, and the child accepts the divorce. Acceptance appears gradually and may take months or years to occur. Divorce is a major transition and a journey of growth. There are no absolute rules that determine how the process of healing will occur. Your children's ability to adapt to divorce is going to depend on your ability to adapt to the divorce. The sooner you begin to heal, the sooner your children will start on their road to recovery.
The Grieving Process Stages
Death is inevitable and is part of the life process. And no matter how we look at it, its one event that nobody ever looks forward to. It is just too painful, too permanent, too traumatic. But then, when death strikes in a family, the loved ones have no choice but to deal with it. No matter how painful, the step-by-step process of healing is gone through, and we learn to live our normal lives again, like it or not.
As we said, grieving is a process. It is a normal and natural reaction to a loss or death of a loved one. Grief is an adaptive mechanism that is essential even in the loss of something (an idea or a dream) besides the life of a loved one. Grief is necessarily a part of adjusting to a new situation and has several components.
The grieving process is a succession or series of reactions that overlap and replace one another. It is possible that a person may feel the manifestations of different stages at one time.
The first stage is shock and numbness. The very first reaction is that of disbelief. One simply cannot accept that the unfortunate event has happened to him. This stunned phase occurs temporarily but for an undetermined period of time. This phase is a protective mechanism that helps a person cope and accept the situation at his own phase.
At the shock stage, the person may continue functioning but has the inability to hear nor feel any emotions. It is as if the person is at a daze, merely moving from hour to hour, from day to day.
Sometimes, the first stage is a phase of denial where the person refuses to believe the news. He cannot believe it and he does not want to believe it.
The next stage is yearning and searching. This is when the person longs for the loved one, desperately wanting to bring back what used to be. There is anger, guilt and restlessness at this stage. The tears now come as one tries to handle the situation, always wanting to be alone.
Disorientation and even disorganization will be part of the next stage where the feeling of guilt is still there together with depression and unfamiliarity. At this phase, some resort to taking sedatives but may not actually be helpful because it delays the emotional healing even further.
Finally, when acceptance has finally set in, the process of resolution is reached. The person now seems to be ready for decision-making, more responsibilities and the need to move on. Self-confidence seems to be boosted at this point. The realization of the loss has finally been accepted and acknowledged.
Although almost everyone who goes through the grieving process experiences the different stages at one point or another. Even after the last stage, it is possible that one reverts to the 2nd or 3rd stage anytime especially during special occasions like Christmas, birthdays and other family gatherings.
The grieving process is a long journey to healing broken hearts but is necessary to go on living a normal life. In due time, the wounds will heal, the pain remains but is dulled by time. Therefore, it is just a matter of time and acceptance of the new situation can now take place. Letting go may be the hardest thing to do but it can happen.
Both Vinz De La Fuente & Bill Urell are contributors for EditorialToday. The above articles have been edited for relevancy and timeliness. All write-ups, reviews, tips and guides published by EditorialToday.com and its partners or affiliates are for informational purposes only. They should not be used for any legal or any other type of advice. We do not endorse any author, contributor, writer or article posted by our team.
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