On with today's episode. What does it mean when a woman smiles at you? Or when she flips her hair at you? Or when she ignores you? Do you know? Or does it even matter?



Today I'm going to share one of the most powerful things I've ever learned about “meaning,” something that can truly liberate your emotions around women, something that will allow you to never feel rejected or beat down again.

Here it is: there is no meaning to any event, except that meaning we assign to it. AND, we are free to choose to assign an event any meaning we want. Events have no meaning, we as humans are meaning-makers.

Now you guys who've done the Forum/EST deal will recognize that immediately. And while I'm not a huge fan of Forum/EST (nor a huge detractor), this is one of the things they teach that is profound.

Let me give you an example. Let's say you're dating a woman, and she suddenly dumps you for another guy. The event is, she quit dating you to see another guy, a real jerk. But what's the meaning? Well, it's whatever you assign it to be. Most guys however assign the meaning of “I am worthless as a man, I'm a bad boyfriend, and she'll never like me again.” How useful is that meaning? Not very, and in fact, it's destructive.

Now, consider this. The same event occurs. But you choose to assign the meaning of, “She disqualified herself from my life, giving me the opportunity to upgrade the position of girlfriend.” Or, how about, “She's temporarily blinded by the cocaine high of attraction, and when that naturally wears off, she'll be left with the embarrassment of hurting me, and dating a real jerk.” Much better meanings, huh? And because you've chosen a much better meaning to an event, you can make much better decisions, and control your emotional state instead of letting it be controlled.

Now, this isn't going to make the bad feelings associated with the event immediately go away, but it WILL make them go away much faster AND it will allow you to come up with a plan of action to create events with a more favorable outcome.

So, don't waste time wondering what a woman's actions mean—they are simply an event you can assign a meaning to. I'd recommend assigning the most useful one, and then taking action from there.

Do “Affirmations” Work For Dating?

If you pick up any self help book, more than likely you'll find a section on “affirmations.” What's an affirmation? It's simply a saying about a future reality you want to create yourself, something you repeat over and over until it becomes “real.” For example, an affirmation about getting rich would be “I am a millionaire” or “I am becoming a millionaire each and everyday.”

The real question is, of course, are affirmations useful? That's what the man who sent in the following email wants to know, and the answer is both yes and no.

Hi John,

I wanted to ask a question about affirmations. How do they work, in terms of how do they become a part of you? I wrote some affirmations that I would say in my head and I would also play a recording of myself saying these affirmations. I did this for about two weeks, and afterwards the only that happened was that I didn't need to read it off a piece of paper anymore. I.e. I parroted the words without feeling the feelings. Any input would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks, Justin

JA: Thanks for the question, Justin. In and of themselves affirmations are not worth a hill of beans. All you're doing is saying something to yourself you know is not true. You're BS'ing yourself and your mind knows it. Nothing will ever “happen” due to words alone—requisite action is required.

Now, coupling affirmations with deliberate action is a different story. But, a better story is visualizations coupled with action. Using what Maxwell Maltz called the “Theater of the Mind,” and constantly visualizing a desired outcome is very powerful—the Green Bay Packers used it back in the 60's to win five NFL titles (although they did cheat in the Ice Bowl with Dallas, false starting on Bart Starr's so-called touchdown), and many, many businesspeople have it used to help build their fortunes.

Visualizing success is an important tool, and you should use it. In my own personal experience I've found visualization to be a much more useful tool than affirmations, although I do know people who have done well with affirmations.

The real truth though is this: if you want to achieve success in a particular area what you have to do is get good information, take action and implement that information, get a result, measure the result, then take action based on that result. That's what all success people do, emotionally distancing themselves from the results, viewing them as only feedback on the path to their goal. That's the real key to success. Visualizations and affirmations can be useful tools, but without deliberate action they are worthless.