I let him go, but for months after that, I wished I had put him behind bars. However, gradually, as I began to enjoy life again and realize how grateful I was to be free of him, my feelings of revenge faded away. Perhaps, because my attitude changed, so did his. He kept in touch with me for many years, and today, I don't have a shred of resentment left in me. This is because my spiritual practice has given me valuable insights into the familiar biblical adage ? ?You reap what you sow?, a concept which is also part of the Buddhist way of life. The Buddhists call it ?karma?.



The idea is that our thoughts create our world, which means that we are entirely responsible for the circumstances in which we find ourselves. One can either perceive this as too great and frightening a responsibility, or as true liberation; liberation, because no longer do you blame others or resent them for your misery. This does not mean that you hate or blame yourself. The trick is to use the situations and people you encounter in your life for your spiritual growth.

For instance, I could look upon my violent spouse as a ?guru? who tried to teach me compassion and tolerance. It does not mean that I must surrender to the violence. It means that I will not allow it to disrupt my life by arousing negative emotions in me.

Negative emotions like vengefulness and resentment can fuel the ugly adversarial divorce. Very few of the divorces granted in the UK fall under this category and there are several reasons for this.

Adversarial Divorce Takes Too Long

Delays occur because too many people are involved in the adversarial divorce. All of them have to coordinate with each other. You, your spouse, your respective lawyers, and your judge have to be available and prepared at all times. If not, your case will drag on, and you will have to wait another couple of weeks or months till your next hearing, which is again dependent on all participants being present. It's frustrating, to say the least. You might even get bullied into settling for unconditional surrender after spending a small fortune in legal fees.

It Costs Too Much

Every time you go to the court with your lawyer, your lawyer visits your spouse's lawyer or the judge, or spends time on your case, and you pay your lawyer usually by the hour.

Most couples battling such a divorce eventually give up, lose control of the divorce proceedings, or run out of money. It is not uncommon to see a $4,000 to $10,000 range in total fees.

It Rarely Settles Important Issues

Because very few couples are satisfied with the agreements reached through an adversarial divorce, they find themselves back in court fighting over various issues. This can go on for years. They could have problems with the alimony, a property settlement, child support, even the custody of pets. Life becomes an endless cycle of fresh petitions and court hearings.

It Makes Co-parenting an Impossible Task

If you have children, you and your spouse are forever bonded through them. How can the two of you negotiate and communicate successfully when you're always looking for new ways to outwit each other? Your children suffer the most in this situation. They are saddened by your inability to get along with each other, and they can be unforgiving. It's bad enough to divorce, but if you cannot do so amicably, there is no hope for your children who will bear long-term emotional scars which will, in turn, affect their relationships with others.

So it's not surprising that most people settle for the uncontested divorce, although the media makes it seem like every other divorce is adversarial. If you find that your spouse is not willing to listen, you just might find yourself in this situation. Remain dignified and do not drag the gory details of your marriage into the courtroom. If you do that, so will your spouse, and it will turn into an endless mud-slinging battle. Remember that these sorts of revelations may cause a scandal and your children, relatives, and friends will hear about it. Therefore, exit your marriage with elegance. Your children will love you for it, and you will earn the respect of your spouse.