Divorce is a bit like dying. It is the dying of a marriage. That might sound too abrupt, but it is true. When you are served with divorce papers, when you find out he cheated, when he says he doesn't love you anymore, it all starts here. The dying begins. Well, it's not the end of the road, because on the other side of pain is joy. Unfortunately, to get there, you seem to have to go through the pain. To really cleanse yourself of the pain you have to go through the grief, just like when a loved one dies, and there are stages of grief. The good news is that everyone goes through these stages at a different rate. You could skip right along through one stage and then linger in the next. So here they are.



STAGE 1: DENIAL This is where you start. "This can't be happening to me." "I thought I did everything right. Sure things weren't perfect, but what marriage is?" Sound familiar. Everyone goes through this stage. You may even have had an inkling that your partner wasn't happy, but none the less, it still hits you like a freight train! When they want out, it seems that there isn't anything you can do about it! So you deny the truth. You deny that it's real.

STAGE 2: ANGER There might not be any acceptance yet. This might be happening to me, but I still don't think it's fair! I don't deserve this! You are furious! How could he? How could she? He said he would love you forever! But she doesn't love you any more! How could God let this happen? You want to get even. You want to hurt him back.

STAGE 3: BARGAINING You are willing to settle for something that you would never settle for before. The anger fades and the bargaining begins. "Please just stay another night." "Let's try one more time." "We can get through this." But there isn't any getting through it this time.

STAGE 4: DEPRESSION The bargaining didn't work. He isn't staying and you don't really want him to anyway, but you don't know what you really want. It's over and so is the life I thought I had. Why even get up in the morning? The sadness feels overwhelming, but be strong. There is always hope.

STAGE 5: ACCEPTANCE Yes! You are here! The sun is still rising every morning! Your kids are okay. You are okay. Take a good look at you and say: "He left. He doesn't want me, and I AM OKAY!" It still hurts. It still makes you mad, but you will make it. We're coming to the end of the pain. Here comes the joy!

These stages are briefly exemplified, but they give you a good overall glimpse at what you may be going through. Your divorce, the death of your marriage, isn't pretty but you will survive. Getting to acceptance is the goal and you will make it! Your marriage is done. You were mighty tempted to believe that you would not survive it. You are surviving. You are thriving. The marriage between you might be dead, but you are not. You are living.