If you're struggling with the decision of motherhood, baby you're not alone. Many women are waiting longer to have children, if at all, and they're having fewer of them. 45% of all babies born in Canada (2002) were delivered by mothers aged 30 to 39. Twenty years ago, that figure was 23%.



As a 39 year-old widow, it seems the mother ship is about to set sail ? without me on it. With choice, however, comes responsibility. If I were to have a baby at 40, the chance of the child having Down's Syndrome is 1 in 100. At age 38, it would have been 1 in 170. At 32, it was 1 in 660.

I was 32 when my husband passed away, and we hadn't quite got around to starting a family. In fact, we hadn't even decided whether or not we even wanted children. So onto an already overloaded grief barge, I plopped this issue and embarked upon a slow and painful voyage to determine if motherhood was still an option, and if so, in what capacity?

For insight, I looked to my girlfriends to learn why they were choosing or not choosing to become mothers, or how they were coming to terms with what life had chosen for them.

??You have to decide whether you want to be a mom or you want to be a parent.? ? Carolee, 40, married, two adopted children, unable to get pregnant

??People have said to me, ?You're not contributing anything, are you?? I think they're ruining the planet having five children but I don't say that to them. I'm sure many people are having children because they want them ? but some are having kids for their own egos. They want to see what they can make. Go take a pottery class, don't wreck someone's life.? ? Terri, 42, single, no children, had tubal ligation at 30

??You don't have to have a child to be a mother.? ? Laura, 40, married, two children

??At my age, not having children is, at times, extremely lonely. At other times, it's very freeing.?

? Colleen, 50, married, no children, could not get pregnant due to ovarian cancer

??Motherhood is not something you have to do perfectly but you have to do it with your whole soul.?

? Erin, 32, single, no children

?If I didn't have kids, I would be feeling very unfulfilled right now.?

? Theresa, 41, divorced, four children

??I would ask yourself some tough questions. Do you really want to have a child? What's underneath that decision? Why have one? What do you want to accomplish bringing a child into this world? Are you having a baby to be loved or needed? How much are you willing to give up? Do you really know what it's like to have a child? ? Esther, 35, married, no children, does not want children

Then I asked my own mom about the matter. ?You know too much,? was her reply. ?Of course, being a mother is challenging ? if you knew ahead of time just how much work it was going to be, you probably wouldn't do it. But that doesn't mean it isn't worth doing.?

Hearing other perspectives has helped guide me to shore but there's only one person who can truly set my sails. And Shakespeare said it best: To thine own self be true. So that's what I'm doing now: sitting quietly on the dock, alone, trying to determine what I really want out of life, what effort I'm prepared to put in to achieve it, and what consequences I'm willing to face along the way.