What makes one person feel loved is not always the same thing that makes another person feel loved. According to Gary Chapman in The Five Love Languages (Northfield Publishing, Chicago: 1995) there are five basic ways a person can communicate loving feelings to someone else, and that way is often not the same as someone we love. We are essentially speaking different languages. No matter how much we may tell someone we love them, if it is not in their "love language," they won't feel it.
The Five Love Languages are:
Words of Affirmation
Every one likes to hear what they are doing right. Kind words, encouragement, compliments—these are perceived as signs of love especially by those with this as their primary love language. Often we focus on "constructive criticism" or pointing out what we think the other person should change which is far less effective than praise.
Quality Time
Quality time doesn't just mean spending enough time together although that is a good start. It means time when we give our partner our undivided attention. It requires listening, not interrupting, and learning to talk about feelings.
Receiving Gifts
Gifts are a time-honored sign of love. If this is your partner's main language of love, find ways to give tokens of affection frequently. Certainly tangible gifts are nice, but don't forget the gift of attention.
Acts of Service
This language of love is often taken for granted. Help around the house, giving a backrub, cleaning up, taking the car to be washed—there are so many ways to express affection by doing service for someone else.
Physical Touch
Physical touch gets mixed up with sex all the time. Instead, it means expressing love by affectionately touching the body, stroking, patting, and holding hands. It means holding someone while they cry.
The idea with learning these "love languages" is that it will help tremendously if we identify which is our primary language and which is the language of our partner, then try to let our partner know they are loved in the way they are most likely to receive it. It may feel awkward at first but if we are persistent, we will see remarkable change. The more our partner feels loved, they will return the good feelings and everybody wins.
Although Dr. Chapman does not cover this in his book, we can also win by learning to express our love in all five "languages." As we expand in our capacity for love and the ability to be loving to the world around us, we can express ourselves in all five ways and not live in a world where it has to be only our way.
