1. "If it's sent by ship then it's a cargo, if it's sent by road then it's a shipment." ~ Dave Allen

2. "The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education." ~ Albert Einstein

3. "Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere." ~ Mae West

4. "I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me." ~ Fred Allen

5. "The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl." ~ Dave Barry

6. "A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than you love yourself." ~ Josh Billings

7. "Things ain't what they used to be and probably never was." ~Will Rogers

8. "Marriage is the only war where you sleep with the enemy." ~ Gary Busey

9. "I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known." ~ Walt Disney

10. "Hippies, hippies... they want to save the world but all they do is smoke pot and play frisbee!" ~ Eric Cartman

11. "If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments." ~ Flip Wilson

12. "If you would like to know the value of money, go and try to borrow some." ~ Benjamin Franklin

13. "I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor." ~ Joan Rivers

14. "A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing." ~ Emo Philips

15. "There's no half-singing in the shower, you're either a rock star or an opera diva." ~ Josh Groban

16. "I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades...or a game of fake heart attack." ~ Demetri Martin

17. "Never give up. And never, under any circumstances, face the facts." ~ Ruth Gordon

18. "It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower or vacuum cleaner." ~ Ben Bergor

19. "Have no fear of perfection--you'll never reach it." ~ Salvador Dali

20. "It is better to be beautiful than to be good, but it is better to be good than to be ugly." ~ Oscar Wilde

21. "You grow up the day you have your first real laugh -- at yourself." ~ Ethel Barrymore

22. "I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments." ~ Jim Morrison

23. "I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter." ~ Winston Churchill

24. "Eagles may soar in the clouds, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines." ~ Jason Hutchison

25. "Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect." ~ Benny Hill

Are you smiling yet? Great! Now you're ready for National Smile Week. Know someone else who needs to exercise their face muscles before the big week actually hits? Why not take these twenty-five funny quotes and share them?