Those years must have been the most strenuous, right? They were 100% dependent upon you and that took a great deal of your energy. Shouldn't it be simpler now that they are teenagers? They are more independent and don't need your supervision in every situation. They can do some of the chores in the house and in the garden. They can take care of themselves if you want to go out for a late movie. You talk with them about subjects you will both enjoy, right?

So what goes wrong when they hit that 13th Birthday??? In many cultures they would now be considered adults - old enough to marry, old enough to sit in the village council to listen to the debates with the elders. Yet in the West, the teen years seem, so often, to be full of strife and conflict. Why does this occur?

There are two parts to the answer: biology and culture.

The brain is intricate. It is in a great state of growth and development during the teenage years. It is always growing, expanding, evaluating, and making links. These links build the foundation for memory, learning, perception, and social rationale.

From birth through age 12, your child's brain absorbs and learns a large amount. At birth the brain communicates through non-verbal means and by age 12 your child can communicate through effective verbal and reasoning means.

Then the teenage years hit the brain like a hurricane. The brain goes into a state of chaos after which it rebuilds itself. While your brain is rebuilding itself your child might not be able to do some of the things they could before. For example, speaking to the opposite sex has suddenly become virtually impossible without becoming quite nervous. Throughout the teen years your child will need to understand the components of social interaction and how they fit into the whole social setting. They will make friends and strive to find their sexual ife partner.

Understanding the intricacies of the social scene can be difficult for their teenage brain. Their brain goes back and forth between its modes of operation during their pre-teen years and how they are expected to act as teens. This conflict can make the social behavior of a teenager inconsistent and sometimes confusing.

This conflict is also affected greatly by the ups and downs of their sex hormones. Plus, teens tend to stay up late and lose out on much needed sleep. These factors together can make for one irritable teenager.

Teens also have to deal with the different expectations placed on them now that they are teenagers. They hear every day from many sources that they "should" be doing certain things and the definitions between normal and abnormal. Expectations for how they should act during each year of their teenage experience is detailed by their parents, friends, teachers, police, and society. It can be hard for a teenager to discern exactly how they should act when they have all these people forcing their opinions on them.

But there is a problem with expectations. Every time you have one, you have the potential for a problem. A behavior is only a behavior; until someone says that it "should not" be happening. Then, suddenly, it is a problem.

So, with all these people having different expectations of what your teenager "should" be doing, plus the heady biological mix described above, is it any wonder that the fireworks go off?

So, how do you manage all of this? Here are some ideas. Next time you are in an argument with your teen - or getting frustrated with his or her behavior, consider the following:

1) Fighting and yelling are not effective.

2) Your teenager wants to have the best outcome as well. They are relying on the extent of their perceptions and skills which could be far different from yours.

3) Your teen might be just as confused as you are as to why you keep getting in arguments!

4) Why is it such a potent problem? Whose expectation has not been met? Is this really a devastating problem in the big world of life?

5) Try to think of different ways of working with your teenager besides forcing them to take your point of view.

6) The teen years will pass - they will grow up. When they do, what kind of relationship do you want to have with them, and what memories?

Yes, have rules. Yes have expectations. But, at the same time, Mom, Dad, chill out a bit. Don't totally alienate them - find some ways of having FUN again.