I had given up. I told myself, "Who believes in soul mates anyway? All men do is disappoint me and cause me pain." I had tried all types of men. I married a man like my father who wanted to control me. Then I tried living with a free-spirited hippie. Each one seemed great at the beginning, but it was obvious very soon that none of these guys was meant to be my soul mate. So I gave up.

Don't get me wrong, I wasn't dead. I've always really enjoyed men. I kept dating. I still went to parties. I just decided that there was no such thing as a soul mate, and that I needed to stop looking and focus on other things.

Have you found your soul mate? Would you know it if you had? Do you try to force relationships, hoping they will become what you've always dreamed of? Below are the twelve criteria for soul mate status. See if you and the person you are with are soul mates:

When You Are Soul Mates:

1) Life is easy when you're together. (If you fight alot, then he/she isn't the one.)

2) He/she is a mirror of you: some traits are like you and some traits compliment yours. (If you are with or want someone totally different than you, like stronger, richer, etc., he/she isn't the one.}

3) The timing when you met seems perfect. (If either of you are married, going off to war, or moving, he/she isn't the one.)

4) You mutually respect each other. (If either of you is disrespectful, abusive, or critical, he/she's not the one.)

5) Something bonds you deeply and causes a feeling of familiarity, i.e. you grew up similarly or both have a certain passion in life. (This doesn't mean he feels familiar because he reminds you of your controlling father; if there isn't a special bond that's healthy, he/she isn't the one.)

6) Your values are similar. (You don't have to agree on everything, but if basic beliefs like religion and politics are similar, he/she isn't the one.)

7) You have definite chemistry. (If you're not physically attracted, he/she isn't the one. A special note here that sexual addiction is not an indicator that he/she is your soul mate.)

8) Communication flows easily. (If it feels like the two of you are seldom on the same wave length, he/she's not the one.)

9) The relationship feels equal. (If one person has more power or is rescuing the other, he/she's not the one.

10)You have similar goals. (If your goals on money, fun, marriage, and life in general are quite different, he/she is not the one.)

11)You adore each other, even each other's idiocyncrasies. (If either of you criticizes the other, he/she isn't the one.)

12)The love is completely reciprocal. (If the love is one-sided, he/she isn't the one.)

If you are with your soul mate, most of the above points will be true. It isn't easy to find your soul mate, and soul mates are elusive, in that you can't try too hard to find your soul mate or it will never happen.

They say it never happens until you stop looking. And that was certainly true for me. As I said, I gave up looking for the "right" man, and started working on myself. Afterall if a soul mate is a mirror of me, then I have to be the best I can be to attract the most perfect person possible. I became healthier, happier (in general, with myself, and in being alone), and more confident. I started visualizing the man of my dreams. Two months later, I was at a bar (yes, a bar) and this tall, dark, handsome stockbroker walked up to me and said hello, and the rest is history. My soul mate and I have been together now -- happily -- for twenty years!