When memories about the joy of your wedding day comes crashing down on the day your spouse says "I want a divorce," you enter into a cycle of abandonment, fear, anger, and loss. Grief, anxiety, sorrow, guilt, denial and depression all come crashing down on your head. Tempers flare and shouting makes you cringe. It's not a pretty picture.

Somehow, someway, you've got to find a way to heal from all these hurtful emotions. Here are some tips to help you accomplish that.

Although your needs are plenty, your children's needs exceed them. Your children deserve a parent who is strong and on top of things - someone they can lean on and trust. It's difficult, but you'll have to set your own needs aside when you're caring for your children, because their needs always come first. They should not bleed through to your kids. I think you can do that without losing sight of satisfying your own needs at a different time.

You will need a support team. You don't have to handle all this emotion on your own. And don't chose someone (like a sister) who will agree with you about how awful he was. Choose someone with more objectivity, because I have to tell you this, you made mistakes, too. If you don't find out what they were, you're doomed to repeat them in a second divorce. Find a helpful minister, a compassionate and savvy therapist, or some counselor who can help you see the role you played.

If you only think about the "he done me wrongs" you'll stiffle your healing. These memories are the things that you'll need to discuss with your support team. This could be a sublime opportunity to learn how to forgive. Here's one: ask your support person to sit in front of you and "be" your offensive ex. Now, tell your support/ex person all the reasons why you forgive him or her. Tell him or her about all the things they did that wounded you and then say that you forgive him or her.

"I forgive you for constantly staying out late." "I forgive you for the times you squandered your paycheck and we couldn't make the house payment." "I forgive you for never keeping the house clean."

Let it all hang out and get it all out of your system. If a forgiveness exercise with a surrogate won't work for you, write down each point of forgiveness (and try to mean it) in a letter that will never actually be mailed. Looking at his surrogate, tell your ex precisely what you are forgiving him or her for. Then, burn the letter in your fireplace and let it all go up with the smoke.

Once you can clear your mind of all this old baggage, you can get ready to create the next good thing in your life.