Sometimes it's good to talk and sometimes it isn't. People I help with relationship problems often ask, "Should we talk about it"? They are referring to a specific grievance or difference of opinion, which exists between them, and their partner. They are generally surprised when I answer, "no, not at this time"

Couples who disagree over specific issues or situations often feel that they have only two choices. These are either to argue about this subject or remain silent on it. If you and your partner are at loggerheads about a specific issue and your attempts to discuss it always end in argument stop discussing.

First you need to improve the quality of your relationship then discuss difficult issues. How do you do this? By using a technique called "acting as if". You act as if you were sharing your ideal relationship with your ideal partner. You may feel resistance to doing this for two reasons. It may seem to you insincere or corny. Or if you are feeling irritated with your partner you may be saying "why should I make the effort to act as if everything is great". The truth is that one of you has to take action to get you both out of your current undesirable situation. As you are the one reading these words then it's most likely to be you.

Experiments conducted by psychologists on this subject have proved that when "acting as if" took place in relationships almost all those relationships improved, so it has to be worth the effort. What's more most people find it enjoyable. One word of warning though you cannot tell your partner that you are "acting as if". Doing this would mean that you simply wasted your effort. If "acting as if" feels to you insincere or corny just remember this, your relationship must have been great at one time otherwise you wouldn't be in it. All you are doing by "acting as if" is going back to a good and positive time in your relationship.

When harmony has been restored between you can begin to calmly discuss the subject, which has led to disagreement. It often surprises couples to realise that once there is harmony in their relationship they are able to calmly discuss issues that they previously argued about.

It is important for couples to spend time talking with and listening to each other. This makes it less likely that grievances will build up and cause problems. Here is a way of discussing grievances whilst avoiding argument. Both partners sit on the floor back to back. They agree who will speak first. The first speaker has two minutes to explain how s/he feels about the situation under discussion. You will begin all sentances with "I feel". At the end of two minutes the second speaker will speak. S/he also has two minutes to speak and must begin all sentences with " I feel". The second speaker must not comment on anything, which the first speaker has said.

Once both people have spoken for two minutes it is important that they do not discuss the subject further. At this point they will do something completely different such as go for a walk, watch a film or do the washing up.

If a specific grievance is causing a problem in your relationship I would suggest at least initially living in harmony without discussing it for a while. "Acting as if" can help you do this. It may cease to be a problem. If not you and your partner can use the method described above as a way of dealing with it.