Ever wonder why the all pervasive hot tips on becoming rich, successful and desirable never work for you? It may be because you don't have the relationship with yourself that sets the stage for success. The most valuable tool you possess is the connection you have with your rational adult self, and that with your wishful, magical child self. When they work together the sky is the limit. When they each pretend the other doesn't exist, you end up stuck and marking time. The example of Tracy below indicates how poor communication between the two selves limits her path to achieving her dreams.

Tracy longs to be acknowledged and looked up to for being an achiever. She wants to be desirable to men and have a relationship that she can rely on. She would like to get a college degree and earn lots of money. Whenever she finds someone who shows an interest in her, or an opportunity for a well paying challenging job she turns it into something distasteful. As soon as the possibility presents itself for her to get what she wants, she throws away the gift by not showing up, and disrespecting the gift givers. She kills off her desire the moment it becomes a real prospect, denying herself her dreams. She feels powerful when controlling her needs, but this is temporary. Very soon she is bemoaning her unsatisfactory life and envious of those who are successful.

It takes both the child's excitement and zest for life to create wishes and visions for your life, and the adult to make it a reality. Both operate within you. Those like Tracy who self-sabotage, operate by splitting the child and adult parts into two warring camps. The adult conducts life in order to survive by achieving the basic minimum for that purpose - satisfactory interpersonal skills, high school diploma, and a respectable if mediocre job. The child is blind to the ways and means for success. For to be aware would mean taking responsibility and acting on it. That often stirs up the terror of having to go through life alone. The internal dialogue of the blind part goes something like this, ? if I can manage my life and take care of things, I will not need anyone, and therefore I will not have any excuse for seeking out attachments. I cannot survive alone, so it is better not to be grown up and responsible.?

Apparent advantages in keeping the adult and child part of you separate

* Killing off your desires means killing off yourself - so no need to make an effort

* You convince yourself that you are strong and need nothing and nobody

* You avoid the risks of attempting new things, failing and being disappointed

* You have someone else to blame when things go wrong

* You can legitimately ask to be taken care of in ways that work for you

Disadvantages of keeping the child and adult part of you separate

* You feel empty and unsatisfied

* You use temporary means to quell the emptiness like food, sex, substances, to no avail.

* You go through life blind to your own power

* You deprive yourself of what you most want, and feel a failure

* You are miserable, envious of others and angry when that child part of you isn't taken care of.

* People don't take care of you for very long, and you do end up alone

Tips on Becoming Your Own Success Story

* Begin a supportive dialogue between the child and adult parts of yourself

* Accept that you have both these parts, good and bad and that the sum of all the parts is the greatest, strongest and best hope you have for being successful.

* Give yourself permission to meet your own needs. If you take care of yourself, others will be attracted to you and be willing to partner with you in that process.

* Learn the art of asking for what you want, rather than expecting others to know and magically provide it for you.

* You are the author of your own biography. Begin to write it by relating to yourself as an ally and not an enemy from whom you need protection.

? Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.