What's most important to you? I've been listening to a book on tape by Kevin Hogan, "Talk Your Way To The Top," about good communication. He asks these kind of "importance" questions, noting that often we list what are really the "means to the ends" rather than the "ends" themselves.

If we really get down to it most of us want some kind of joy, fulfillment and security. And, as couples, we get bogged down in the details of trying to achieve these "states of being."

As partners, we often have very different ideas about what will get us to these good experiences in life. And, we often do not have the communication skills to sort out how we are actually looking for similar end points.

Kevin Hogan suggests a list of about 4 items that you really want, and then directs us to list how we hope these things will help us to feel. This helps to know what you're really after. I suggest we use this list as a starting point for two additional life possibilities.

First, share this list with your partner. Then, listen deeply to your partner's list. Make sure the two of you get to the point where you fully understand and empathize with the "end-state" you each desire. There will probably be a lot of similarity there. Joy, happiness, satisfaction, safety, fulfillment, stimulation and serenity are common desires.

Now, you can stop right there if you want. Just do some negotiating about how to help each person get some of what they want by planning to do some of what you each believe will get you there.

On the other hand, you can embark on the journey together that my second point suggests. This second thing is a spiritual thing. It is the expectation that all those wonderful feelings are already available to us in other ways.

Whether you are a regular church goer, a person who doesn't buy the simple explanations you think religions give, or someone unsure but still a seeker, you probably suspect that there is something going on that's bigger than any of us know.

I'm suggesting that, whatever your belief or tradition, that you probably have not gotten to the bottom of its spiritual experience, and therefore, are still seeking the "end-states" through your own devices.

One of the questions I often ask people is: "What are you asking (God, the Universe, Whatever) for right now?" How often they're asking for stuff that is trifling, or they are not asking at all!

So, my second suggestion is that you start placing your expectation of the "end-states" in bigger hands than your own, and that you do so as a couple. Start watching for the results to come in surprising ways! It will almost always be from a different direction than you expect.

I encourage you, as a couple, to engage in this spiritual journey on a very deep level. Do so together, and do so right now, before the hard lessons of life force it upon you.