Quitting smoking is a real pain, trust me. If you’ve never smoked before, don’t just assume it’s a matter of tossing out your cigs and being done with it. It’s a lot more complicated. I just turned 40 and had been thinking over what the next stage of my life would be like and I came do a decision: I want to be healthier. And the smokes would have to be the first to go. But though the resolution is easy to make, carrying it out is much tougher.

I tried everything, the gum, the patch and even quitting cold turkey, but nothing seemed to work. It didn’t help that I wasn’t merely a casual smoker, but a 3 pack a day chain-smoking maniac. I decided to go to my friend Laura for advice. Laura had been smoking for 30 years—ever since she turned 4— and she somehow managed to quit the habit entirely, without any relapses. One day when I felt a craving for some that aromatic goodness, I jumped in my car and drove over to her apartment.

“Ok, I’m at my wits end," I said, “Tell me Laura, how did you do it?"

She smiled and told me:

“Ok, this is my method. One day I took my life savings out of the bank in cash and gave it to my friend Andrew. Every time I went a day without smoking, he’d give me $20 back."

“And it worked?" I asked.

“Well, there were some days that that I craved a cig more than a pile of money, but in the end I pulled through."

This seemed like a good idea, so I thought of something which was really important to me: my car. Now, other than a few puffs of the ‘ol cancer stick, there’s nothing I love more than my restored cherry red Mustang. So I handed over the title to Laura and with the understanding that she would give it back if I went 3 months without a single cigarette. The plan didn’t last long. As I was leaving Laura’s, she caught me on her porch lighting up a Cuban cigar.

“It’s only been 30 seconds!" she exclaimed.

“But this isn’t a cigarette, it’s a stogie! There’s a world of difference."

Laura looked disgusted and handed back the car title.

“You’re too far gone man. I don’t think I can help you."

She turned and went back into the house leaving me unsure of what to do next. I stared guiltily at my Mustang. I had almost lost it, and all because of a certain leaf…

“Ok," I thought to myself. “Smoking is a psychological as well as physiological addiction. What I need is a hypnotist."

So I then went to our town’s most renowned hypnotist, Dr. Reginald Gonzo. He listened very attentively to my problems and said he thought he had the solution. I lay on his couch and started taking deep breaths. “I will put you into a deep trance," he said. I fell under the spell and was soon under. Dr. Gonzo then messed with my mind, substituting one habit for another.

“Every time you get a craving to smoke, you will instead do what you most love," he chanted. “Rather than light up, you will jump in your car, floor the gas and drive like hell."