I've come to the conclusion that confusion is our fifty-first state. Take men, for example. I was fathered by a man, married one and gave birth to two - but I still don't understand them. When I told a lesbian friend I envied her because she had a partner who shared feelings, she laughed and said feelings are just something else to fight about.

I didn't want to hear that and I don't want to hear broken campaign promises from politicians. It's enough to make me wish I was still in fifth grade. In fifth grade I was still short enough to look up to politicians.

Then there's my computer. I don't understand how my computer works - I just want it to. Clicking a help button doesn't help. I need help to understand what it tells me to do. That's where my husband comes in. John didn't realize the "for better or for worse" part of our marriage vows was going to include my computer - not just my meatloaf.

Recently John taught me how to use my computer for Map Quest. Not only do I get directions, I get mileage and estimated time of travel. I also get a map to show the man at the gas station when I ask him for directions.

No amount of help, however, can make me understand the stock market. In fact, my understanding has more ups and downs than it does. I think the Dow Jones Industrial Average must be like a Nielsen rating - a look at the big picture through a small sampling. If a Nielsen rating goes down, a show is canceled. If the Dow Jones goes down, our vacation is canceled.

Life as we know it could be canceled by global warming. My grandmother believed high temperatures, melting glaciers, flooding and drought were caused by men walking on the moon. Congress believes they're caused by global warming because global warming is blamed for more than they are.

I blame the English language for lots of problems. If my son says something's bad, he could mean it's good. If I lie down, do I mean I'm being dishonest? If the noun camp can mean "a group of tents", why can the adjective camp mean "so extreme as to amuse"? Our language must cause unspeakable confusion for foreigners, but they're not alone. Both "U" and "I" are in confusion too.