Paris Hilton once quipped that she embodies the very essence of American Royalty, as she flung her arms in the air and did a little twirl for the enchanted crowd (okay, admittedly the arm flinging and twirling bit are an embellishment of mine but very believable, no? The rest though is based on true fact).



So there we have it.

Britain had "The People's Princess" (the late Princess Diana) who it cannot be denied at least had class (though I'm not sure The House of Windsor would necessarily agree) and The United States has "The American Princess" (Paris Hilton I, self-styled Princess of America) who most will agree, what she lacks in good taste and class she more than overcompensates for with questionable choices and an overabundance of crass.

HER ROYAL HILTON: PRINCESS PARIS I OF VEGAS

There is little doubt that Paris Hilton strongly believes in her royal status, so much so, that she felt justified and strongly compelled to petition Gov. Schwarzenegger of California for a gubernatorial pardon concerning her 45-day sentence for flagrantly disregarding the law in yet another driving violation.

Added proof of her blueblood status is the fact she has lackeys to read her mail, pen her books, ink her songs and pretty much do most of the moderate-to-heavy thinking for her.

About the only thing that Paris Hilton seems to genuinely do on her own, is have well-documented sex with a growing cast of characters! But Hey! What d'you expect? All she has to do IS JUST BE! She's The American Princess Royal dammit!

Be that as it may, at least one State however has stepped up to the plate to rightfully acknowledge HRH Princess Paris' true blueblood status. In 2006 the Mayor of Las Vegas declared August 29, 2006, Paris Hilton Day!

As regards her date with Uncle Sam, with true royal aplomb she placed the blame of her impending incarceration squarely on the shoulders of one of her trusted and close royal advisers, one Elliot Mintz (her longtime suffering publicist) whom in another age she'd have probably had his head lopped off for dereliction of duty!

As it is, Mr. Mintz retained his head but got fired.

Luckily for Mr. Mintz we happen to live (for now at least) in an age of temperance and forgiveness, which would perhaps explain why not only has he still got his head, he has since been reinstated by the temperamental princess herself.

Actually, forgiveness probably plays little part in Elliot Mintz's reinstatement!

The more plausible explanation is probably that no one else quite possesses the somewhat unique characteristics of immeasurable patience and perseverance Mr. Mintz does; characteristics that are an absolute must for such a demanding position!

Added to that fact is the strong likelihood that there're few qualified candidates who relish the idea of slaving for Princess Paris!

As for Mr. Mintz he is either the quintessential masochist for public humiliation, or he is getting a very fat juicy check (so we hope) to make up for all the ugliness and meanness he has to put up with at Court Royale de la Paris I.

With respect to Paris Hilton's petition to Gov. Schwarzenegger seeking a royal exemption regarding her jail sentence; well let's just say things haven't gone the way Princess Paris envisaged. Despite the "not unreasonable assertion" that she only gets pulled over by cops because they want to flirt, date her and get her phone number (hmmm delusions of grandeur?) the petition has largely fallen on deaf ears.

And as for those horny cops; shame on them! Of course we believe Poor Princess Paris, despite the plethora of well-documented online video footage showing the drink-n-drive royal speeding away on many an occasion from many a night club in the wee hours of the morning after what we can only presume to have been a satisfying night of excess!

Quite predictably (to everyone but Paris Hilton and her minions) Governator Arnold Schwarzenegger kept his distance from the whole affair and had his PR team handle the flak. They issued the obligatory number of generic statements that conveyed little substance where none was to be found in the first place.

In all likelihood the extent of the governor's review of the petition (if indeed at all) involved being reminded by his staff of the it-just-won't-go-away Paris Hilton issue, to which the governor probably shook his head in mild annoyance, pursed his lips in growing irritation as he leafed through the first few pages of childish scrawl and illiterate scribblings, then promptly tossed the offending batch of papers into the nearest waste paper basket; all the while wondering how someone so vapid could warrant so much attention!

OFF WITH HER HEAD!

It would seem that it has finally dawned on Paris Hilton that she is not so well loved by the public at large. Indeed, other than her court of sycophants and posse of brown-nosers, most of us commoners are guilty of the crime of harboring barely concealed glee with regards to her date with the sheriff.

Call it envy, call it sour grapes, call it whatever you wish but the fact remains, when questioned about Paris Hilton going to jail, most people are of the wholehearted position that she deserves every single deprived second spent behind bars!

I mean let's face it, she's only being incarcerated for a month or so; and she's not even going to be in general population. Besides she should focus on the upside: all that time away from drugs, booze and tobacco should do wonders for her complexion and body.

And though Paris may find it hard to appreciate the thought of incarceration, perhaps if she viewed her jailbird stint less as a time of deprivation and more as a period of detox rehab, she may find the time whiz by a lot faster: "Hey Paris, look on the bright side, your new toned, detoxed bod will be all the better for partying longer, harder and dirtier!"

But if she still cannot find comfort from the detox angle, perhaps the following account will enable Her Royal Highness Paris I to realize that things could have been far worse: A long time ago a beautiful princess was informed in a letter from her dying father, the king, "The mob is fickle my dear; one day they love you, the next they demand your head on a platter!"

Well, it sure seems like that ominous "Day of the Platter" has arrived for Paris Hilton, but she can take consolation in the fact that unlike the other princess, she gets to keep her head; if only for 45 days then it's back to business as usual!