Break-up victims rarely enjoy getting dumped. What many of them fail to realize however is that breaking up is rarely a permanent decision. While painful for the victim, break ups are often a way for the instigating partner (the "ex") to test the victim's loyalty to the relationship. This means that winning back an ex is more about statistics and psychology than about the skill of the victim in winning the ex back.



Winning back an ex involves some action on the victim's part, but before getting into this, victims should first understand some of the emotional stages of a break-up. The two discussed here are denial and anger. With denial, the victim may have a numb feeling or may not fully understand the situation -- it may feel unreal. Depending on the victim's personality, though, denial can last several months or even as little as a couple of minutes.

Next comes the anger stage. In this stage, victims of a break-up typically have feelings of hatred, resentment, and/or jealousy. Destruction of property that has an emotional attachment to the ex happens in this stage as does the assault of name-calling and other viral statements. While this is a normal stage of breaking-up, victims should realize that winning back an ex can be made much more difficult, if not impossible, if the thrust of the anger-driven actions cut too deep. Ideally, victims of break-ups should try to avoid lashing out in anger.

No matter what was said or done following the initial break-up, all the victim needs to do in order to start the process of winning back an ex is accept the break-up, at least verbally. This means telling the ex that the break-up makes sense and that having freedom presents some clear benefits. The earlier acceptance takes place, the easier it to deliver the message with sincerity. For example, accepting the breakup after burning an emotionally rich photograph will involve back-tracking and apologizing for the behavior, whereas acceptance at the very beginning may involve a sentence or two like, "I'm glad you said that, I actually feel the same way."

Theoretically, accepting the break-up soon makes perfect sense. Since the break-up itself is often a test by the ex, the victim also needs to do some testing. This does not imply taking a bad risk or playing mind games. The victim's test is important in terms of seeing whether the break-up is indeed real and permanent, even though statistically it is not. In the event that it is, would it not make sense for the victim learn of this real and permanent break up earlier so he or she can move on? Of course it does. Therefore, acceptance is a necessary step.

The acceptance stage normally begins the turn-around of the break-up process. This can be demonstrated by the ex's surprised when the victim agrees and accepts the break-up. Just like a poker player won't go all-in unless she knows her opponents' hands, the ex typically won't initiate a break-up unless coming back is a "sure thing." Normally, victims will take back an ex without exception and without a time limit. But when the victim accepts the break-up, the ex realizes that maybe his or her calculations were wrong and that a mistake was made. If a bit of "time" was really what the ex wanted, then he or she realizes that going back will have to happen sooner rather than later. The last thing the ex will want is to allow the victim to really start enjoying that freedom.