Ladies and gentlemen of the class of the 99   Drink beer   If I could offer you only one tip for the future   Beer would be it.   The long term benefits of beer have been proven by scientists   Whereas the rest   advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering expierince      I will despense this information now      You are as fat as you imagiane   You really do look like your drivers license picture   Do something about it   No one wants to date a fat pig   If insertiting a 7 inch iced tea spoon down your throat to induce vomiting is what it takes   Well then so be it   Do one thing everyday that makes your mother ashamed   Don't floss   Wayward pieces of parsly and beef in your teeth really don't look that bad   You've already had your turn of living in New York   So leave   Now   You're wasting space   And breathing up all of our oxygen   Go live in Northern California   But leave before you simultaniously die in an earthquake and a gang related shooting      Sometimes you'll be ahead   Sometimes you'll be behind   Sometimes you'll be on top   Sometimes you'll be on bottom   Smoke ciggarettes with reckless abandon   When your speaking through hole throat   You can always sue the tabbacco company   And say    I did not know it was bad for me   After all   Ill gotten game is what it's all about   Maybe you'll married   Maybe you won't   But most likely you'll end up divorced   With a litter of children    With 8 different mothers    Spending the rest of your life selling rip off Gucci bags outside court authority   To pay off alimony and child support.   Dont even try to dance   You're a guy for godsake   Not even the electric slide at a wedding   Read GQ magazine and strive to look like the guy on the cover   Undergo elective reconstructive plastic surgery including lipo suction and penis enlargement   Make fun of old people   It's fun   And understand that friends will stab you in the back for price of an extra value meal   And the flame broiled isn't always better   Nevermind   But trust me on the beer.