Well, I was feelin' sad and kind of blue   I didn't know what I was gonna do   The Communists were comin' around   They was in the air, they were on the ground   They were all over      So I ran down most hurriedly   And joined the John Birch Society   I got me a secret membership card   Went back to my backyard   And started looking on the sidewalk   'Neath the rose bush      Well, I was lookin' everywhere for them gold darned Reds   I got up in the mornin' and looked under my bed   Looked behind the kitchen, behind the door   Even tore loose the kitchen floor, couldn't find any      I looked beneath the sofa, beneath the chair   Looking for them Reds everywhere   I looked way up my chimney hole   Even looked deep inside my toilet bowl   They got away      I heard some footsteps by the front porch door   So I grabbed my shotgun from the floor   I snuck around the house with a huff and hiss and   "Hands up, you Communist" it was a mail man   He punched me out      Well, I quit my job so I could work alone   I got a magnifying glass like Sherlock Holmes   Followed some clues from my detective bag   And discovered they was red stripes on the American flag   Did you know about Betsy Ross      Well, I was sittin' home alone and I started to sweat   I figured they was in my television set   I peeked behind the picture frame   And got a shock from my feet that hit my brain   Them Reds did it, no one's on the hootin' nanny      Well, I finally started thinkin' straight   When I run outta things to investigate   I couldn't imagine doin' anything else   So now I'm at home investigatin' myself   Hope, I don't find out too much, good God