Good Morning   Morning, sir   Welcome to the National Cheese Emporium   Ah, thank you, my good man   What can I do for you, sir?      Well, I was sitting in the public library   On Thurmon Street just now   Skimming through Rogue Herrys by Hugh Walpole   And I suddenly came over all peckish      Peckish, sir?   Esuriant   Eh   'Ee, ah wor 'ungry-loike   Ah, hungry      In a nutshell, and I thought   To myself, A little fermented curd will do the trick   So I curtailed my Walpoling activites   Sallied forth and infiltrated your place   Of purveyance to negotiate the vending   Of some cheesy comestibles      Come again   I want to buy some cheese   Oh, I thought you were complaining   About the bazouki player   Oh, heaven forbid, I am one who delights   In all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse      Sorry?   'Ooo, ah lahk a nice tuune, 'yer forced too   So he can go on playing, can he   Most certainly, now then   Some cheese please, my good man      Certainly, sir, what would you like?   Well, eh, how about a little red Leicester?   I'm afraid we're fresh out of red Leicester, sir   Oh, never mind, how are you on Tilsit?      I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week   Sir, we get it fresh on Monday   Tish tish, no matter, well stout yeoman   Four ounces of Caerphilly, if you please      Ah, it's been on order, sir, for two weeks   Was expecting it this morning   T's not my lucky day, is it, aah, Bel Paese?   Sorry, sir      Red Windsor?   Normally, sir, yes, today the van broke down   Ah, Stilton?   Sorry      Ementhal, Gruyere?   No   Any Norweigan Jarlsburg, per chance?   No      Lipta?   No   Lancashire?   No      White Stilton?   No   Danish Brew?   No      Double Goucester?   No   Cheshire?   No      Dorset Bluveny?   No   Brie, Roquefort, Pol le Veq   Port Salut, Savoy Aire   Saint Paulin, Carrier de lest   Bres Bleu, Bruson?   No      Camenbert, perhaps?   Ah, we have Camenbert, yes, sir   You do, excellent   Yes, sir, it's, ah, it's a bit runny   Oh, I like it runny      Well, it's very runny, actually, sir   No matter, fetch hither   The fromage de la Belle France, mwah      I think it's a bit runnier   Than you'll like it, sir   I don't care how fucking runny it is   Hand it over with all speed      Oh!   What now?   The cat's eaten it   Has he?   She, sir      Gouda?   No   Edam?   No      Case Ness?   No   Smoked Austrian?   No      Japanese Sage Darby?   No, sir   You do have some cheese, do you?   Of course, sir, it's a cheese shop, sir, we've got   No, no, don't tell me, I'm keen to guess   Fair enough      Uh, Wensleydale?   Yes   Ah, well, I'll have some of that   Oh, I thought you were talking to me, sir   Mister Wensleydale, that's my name      Greek Feta?   Uh, not as such   Uuh, Gorgonzola?   No      Parmesan?   No   Mozarella?   No      Paper Cramer?   No   Danish Bimbo?   No      Czech sheep's milk?   No   Venezuelan Beaver Cheese?   Not today, sir, no      Aah, how about Cheddar?   Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir   Not much call, it's the single most   Popular cheese in the world      Not 'round here, sir   And what is the most   Popular cheese 'round here?   Illchester, sir      Is it?   Oh, yes, it's staggeringly   Popular in this manusquire   Is it?   It's our number one best seller, sir   I see, uh, Illchester, eh   Right, sir?      All right, okay, have you got any?   He asked expecting the answer 'No'   I'll have a look, sir, umh, no   It's not much of a cheese shop, is it?      Finest in the district   Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please   Well, it's so clean, sir   It's certainly uncontaminated by cheese      You haven't asked me about Limburger, sir   Is it worth it?   Could be   Have you, shut that bloody bazouki up   Told you sir      Have you got any Limburger?   No   Figures, predictable, really I suppose   It was an act of purest optimism   To have posed the question in the first place      Tell me?   Yes, sir   Have you, in fact, got any cheese here at all?   Yes, sir   Really?   No, not really, sir      You haven't?   No, sir, not a scrap   I was deliberately   Wasting your time, sir      Well, I'm sorry, but I'm going   To have to shoot you   Right-o, sir   What a senseless waste of human life