The magazine is now my good friend    I'm thrilled the moment it is opened    It feels so beautiful to pretend    I'm glad it's not goddamned sensational    Rolling up my sleeves to find out    What the stinking fuss is about    I need to prove without a doubt    That nobody is losing their marbles    The psychic friends are here to help us    And hot line girls I know are a must    In consolidated bills we trust    Personal injury lawyers are wonderful    I have got to know what's a postcoital glow    I need to know    A-wop bam boom a-boop bop a-what to do    Quality control is sure great    Any job done well is first rate    Pride in workmanship is worth the wait    Happiness is a thirty day warranty    The diet I've been on is so good    I've lost more weight than I thought I could    My abs are like they're made of fine wood    I fit right in with the people I admire most