I spot an active drowning victim from a mile away   I save old men in seas like Hemingway   The swimming pool not taken? Watch out for frost   Don?t get busted like Milton or paradise will be lost      It?s like that, and that?s the way it is   Don?t Run DMC, walk like the other kids   And if you get in trouble, I use a contact dive   I extend my rescue tube to keep you alive      If you?re submerged, I?ll dive feet first   And bring you to a backboard, never to a hearse   Because DOA victims are for amateurs   I do it my safe way, you do it yours      Like Raley?s or Lucky?s or Albertsons   Did the victim hurt his neck? I?m going in   I support your chin, airway and spine   With my head splint technique everything is fine      My E A P is C P R after those rescue breaths   Then I?ll check your airway for respiratory arrest   Then it?s sweep, ventilation and abdominal thrusts   I get the pool toy out I can, will and must      Prepared for emergencies I?ve got my life together   And understand my job keeps you alive like Eddie Vedder   If you?re a stressed-out mom who keeps her children fettered   Your kids are safe today, see, no lifeguard is better      Ten times as reliable mature and fitter   Than your average lifeguard as a water babysitter   Betsy Weeks trained me well at Roble Gym   And I?m slamming into swim safety, not a Slim Jim      Lifeguarding at the pool, lake or the sea   I keep both eyes on your progeny   The Red Cross has got my back like 1 2 3   Because I?m certified      And when I act it?s with informed consent   If you won?t cooperate, I circumvent   And call the cops, best recognize   It?s not wise to distract me as I scrutinize      The pool, it?s called scanning, best take a hint   And shut your mouth, you don?t matter, like lint   Larry Flint might argue that your voice means nothing   But I be like Bush and say for safety it means nothing      I?m disciplined and talented at what I do   And hope to say the same for my lifeguard crew   Because unlike the Insane Clown Posse      We practice our skills repeatedly   And don?t cash in on tentative integrity   Or fire dope producers for more money      Wait, what, where was I?   I guess I got side-tracked   Dissing Detroit high school drop-outs   With new albums that are whack      Back on track, here?s the point, I?m safe, like what?   Making sure the chemical room door?s always shut   See that gardener?s dirty trowel? Well, I don?t   I?m too busy making sure your kids stay afloat      And see that dude who kind of looks like Shrek   But imported like badly dubbed French Star Trek?   Nope, I double check the bubble trek from your kid?s lungs   The shovel speck or smuggled Shrek      Distract no one like me, I don?t notice, no, just your kids   But did I see that kid run? Oh yes, I did   Peripherally, so I?m a lay the smack down   And turn their smiles into one collective frown      Hey kids, stop running, you know the rule   Yes I?m a tool from lifeguard school   But safety is cool here at the pool   And trust me on the sunscreen, don?t be a fool      Lifeguarding at the pool, lake or the sea   I keep both eyes on your progeny   The Red Cross has got my back like 1 2 3   Because I?m certified