I stole a quarter when I was a kid    And momma said I'd be sorry for the sin that I did    And daddy whopped me    And the preacher said shame    But I guess the Bible lessons didn't take      'Cause I cuss and I smoke    I laugh at dirty jokes    The minor vices, man I know 'em well    I’ve closed down bars    I've lusted in my heart    My ex-wives think I ought to burn in Hell    But the devil won't even notice when I die    Don't ya figure, he's got bigger fish to fry      Boss Hogg, politicians taken' pork-barrel bribes    Crooked corporation honchos get off with no time    Christmas Eve burglars stealing good children’s toys    Pop stars hanging out with little boys      Yeah, I cuss and I smoke    I laugh at dirty jokes    The minor vices, man I know 'em well    I’ve closed down bars    I've lusted in my heart    My ex-wives think I ought to burn in Hell    But the devil won't even notice when I die    'Cause I figure, he's got bigger fish to fry      There's gonna be a bonfire burning    An everlasting barbeque    But with all the bad stuff going on    There ain't gonna be room for me and you      Yeah, cause I cuss and I smoke    I laugh at dirty jokes    The minor vices, man I know 'em well    I’ve closed down bars    I've lusted in my heart    My ex-wives think I ought to burn in Hell    But the devil he won't notice when I die    Don’t you figure, he's got bigger fish to fry      The way I figure he's got bigger fish to fry      Man, it's hot in here