What the hell is wrong with me?   I’m in a band, ladies can’t you see   Please don’t judge me by the car that I drive   Or the fact that I haven’t had a date since ’95      Come on, don’t go away   Don’t listen to your friends when they that I am gay   I try so hard but I just can’t get no play   Don’t have any STDs   Come on, I’m begging on my knees   Come on get close just ignore the fleas      We will take anything that walks . . .   Because we’re desperate      I know I’m not a handsome man   Cuz I look like an ogre with a farmer’s tan   And every time the ladies see me and I’m walking their way   They say, “Brian smells, everybody stay away”      Oh ladies, can’t you see   I can’t help it because I’m ugly   But I’m in a band, don’t that count for something   Come on now, don’t delay   Cuz if you don’t call then I’ll probably rent-a-date   And my tab keeps rising, cuz I do it every day   Oh ladies, can’t you see   I’m in a band, why aren’t you attracted to me?   I don’t care if you’re underage   Just as long as you’ll be seen with me in a public place   What’s it gonna take? (What’s it gonna take?)   For you help me bake cookies?   Doo-Wah-Doo   Cuz I need to know   I’m all hot and ready   And I got to go . . .   Because we’re Desperate      Why oh why must I have this rash   No girls talk to me they just step back   Should I lift weights? Would that make me more sexual?   Maybe wear glasses would that make me intellectual?   Come on lets do it fast   Cuz I’m all hot and ready and it just wont last   And I got 20 dollars what can I get for that?