For years we had an aspidistra in a flower pot  On the whatnot, near the 'atstand in the 'all  It didn't seem to grow 'til one day our brother Joe  Had a notion that he'd make it strong and tall  So he's crossed it with an acorn from an oak tree   And he's planted it against the garden wall  It shot up like a rocket, 'til it's nearly reached the sky  It's the biggest aspidistra in the world  We couldn't see the top of it, it got so bloomin' high  It's the biggest aspidistra in the world  When father's had a snoot full at his pub, 'The Bunch of Grapes'  He doesn't go all fighting mad and getting into scrapes  No, you'll find him in his bear-skin playing Tarzan of the apes  Off the biggest aspidistra in the world  We have to get it watered by the local fire brigade   So they put the water rates up half a crown  The roots stuff up the drains, grow along the country lanes   And they came up half a mile outside the town  Once we hired an auditorium for a hot house  But a jealous rival went and burnt it down  The tom cats and their sweethearts love to spend their evenings out  Up the biggest aspidistra in the world  They all begin meowing when the buds begin to sprout   From the biggest aspidistra in the world  The dogs all come around for miles, a lovely sight to see  They sniff around for hours and hours and wag their tails with glee   So I've had to put a notice up to say it's not a tree  It's the biggest aspidistra in the world