I'm a happy guy   I've got a happy life   Two happy kids   And a happy wife      Flowers are blooming   It's a beautiful day   I've got an upper class job   With upper class pay      But I've got a little problem   You see, with me   A major physical deformity   It takes me twice as long   To stop and smell the roses      'Cause I've had to live my life   Having two noses kids understand   They think it's neat   At birthday parties   I'm an added treat      Wife loves me for my mind   Doesn't care about my looks   She's so damn kind      It's really no fun   When the nostrils   Of both noses run   Yeah, that really sucks      And when I think back   To my days of grammar school   I was the one who got picked on   When the kids were being cruel      A major problem in high school   Was if you had acne tell you   Pinocchio had nothing on me      Summer, I used a surplus of zinc oxide   Spring, allergy season caused me to hide   Winter would come along and noses would freeze      Autumn was not so bad   The smell of burning leaves   Paid real well      So my job's okay   I'm the head tester   Of nasal spray      Boss thinks I'm weird   But I don't care   I just do my job   And I'm outta there      I'll fill you in on   What's my personal hell   When someone farts   I get twice the smell      Another duty that can prove   To be a scare is when   I have to trim my nostril hair      Just so you know   It's in my head   I'll get a nose job   Before I'm dead      Years of planning have gone into this   I'll get the left nose trimmed   'Cause it's too big, yeah   I've got to get that taken care of      You know you put your left nose in   You put your left nose out   And you put your left nose in   And then you shake it all about      You do the hokey pokey   And you turn yourself around   That's what it's all about      I've got two noses   I've got two noses   Why'd this have to happen to me