To whom it may concern regarding my wallet    The purple and black one I didn't take hiking    The reason I left it behind in the car was   I didn't think I would be needing my billfold for   Climbing a mountain, the less weight the better    Especially at forty-one hundred feet high   Now you've got my wallet and I've got a headache   And both inexorably linked by demand and supply      I have a car alarm but I didn't set it   In case it should go off while we were up hiking   And bother the rest of the outdoor enthusiasts   Who'd come to this mountain to flee from the noise   Of the city, the traffic, the crime and the sirens   The rustle and rumble, the roar of I-5   And thus you're now holding the paper and plastic   Rectangles that prove I'm alive      There's my driver's license, don't laugh at the picture   So what, I was having a really bad hair day   The green card belongs to our natural food coop   I think it expired but you can renew with my   Mileage Plus Visa, the Gold one I used last year   Paid for my wedding, we walked down the aisle    If you use the Visa, please call 1-800    And see if they'll give me the miles      I appreciate the neatness with which you could bypass   The lock on the passenger door of our van   And how one little "Jimmy" could pop the thing open   With barely a trace of a struggle or tantrum   I hope you're not injured, but if you need treatment   My Blue Cross credentials should fare you quite nicely   And if you need directions wherever you go next   Call my Triple A and they'll give them precisely      The long distance phone card is cheaper on weekends   But not so for Blockbuster video renting   Please use your discretion with my ATM card   I'm sorry, I'm probably mad and I'm venting   It's just that you know how much time it will take me   Replacing those papers I carry around   Not to mention my coffee card, please send back my coffee card   I promise I won't prosecute on those grounds      I don't mean to say that our day wasn't lovely    What with sandwiches, strawberries, chocolate, graham crackers   But a word of advice, if you ever go hiking    With trail mix from Costco, stay close to a bathroom   Hey, we got some exercise, fresh air and nature   And you, you went shopping with my cash and plastic   So if you should vote with the card with my name on it   Please kindly vote Democratic      If you had to have money you could have just asked me    I might have said no but I could have referred you    To Doug at the bank who just gave us a mortgage   If he gave us money, he'd give some to you   But I can't really blame you, the world isn't fair    Sometimes people, they lose things and others, they find em   I hope you can use all that stuff in my wallet      But I probably would not use that condom