I awoke unaware in a fog of whiskey   wrapped inside a coat from the hair of    the dog that bit me   I was lost and dizzy   and still feeling awfully pissy   when I noticed my alarm had missed me   god forgive me or at least my boss   with all this nausea in me I just need time off   in a big way, which sucks   because much to my dismay    I just used up all my sick days   oh I wish they made a quicker fix   to deal with the way the liquor sticks    when it hits your lips   which isn't a bit as quick   as the wise cracks, oohs and grunts   hit the lips of your homies   when you lose your lunch   or you kiss a chick   whose size of skirt and intimate undergarments   indicate that she likes dessert   I'm sick of it   I only wish the guys at Merck   would find a cure   to keep me sipping fine liqueur   for every time I had to drive to work late   let 'em line 'em up like every night's my birthday   the first taste is great   twice the same   the third makes lightning rain and the earth shakes   tonight's a game while tomorrow is harassment   say goodbye to shame   sayonara embarrassment   it's nice to drain a bottle with arrogance   and never think twice again when you wanna   wallow in merriment   I wish they made a morning after pill   so I wouldn't have to feel like such an asshole still   when I swig from every booze on the shelf   until I've had my fill to the gills and make a    fool of myself   you wouldn't smell like a liquor distillery   relief would be as easy and quick as a pill in me   one dash of aspirin, a lick of senility   and you'd slip from the grip of humility   three cheers for beer and forever   steering clear of the car crash that   always seems to come with your bar tab   cause cognac should come with a hard hat   just for when your flight nosedives and you    run into tarmac   you gotta be a sharp tack to stick around   sitting on a stool sipping stout til your lips are brown   first knock the Guinness out and switch to Murphey's   beer gut stuffed like we're twisted turkeys   it's a hurt piece to kick your work week   off by feeling lost with a wish for mercy   search me while you find a kid that's thirsty   who didn't know his woe was prescription worthy   kids from Jersey who cross the bridge and New York   is boozed like abused foster kids   and we all could use a cure for this   so get in line for a better life at your doctor's offices   for every time I made a scene in public   let 'em line the bar with Jim Beam and club mix   and never mind the life of pain that   you might sustain should you   forget to buy your miracle drug fix   tonight's a game while tomorrow is harassment   say goodbye to shame   sayonara embarrassment   it's nice to drain a bottle with arrogance   and never ever think twice again when you    wallow in merriment   I wish they made a morning after pill   so I wouldn't have to feel like such an asshole still   when I swig from every booze on the shelf   until I've had my fill to the gills and make a    fool of myself   you never smell like a liquor distillery   relief would be as easy and quick as a pill in me   one dash of aspirin, a lick of senility   and you'd never have to live with humility   I wish they made a morning after pill   so I wouldn't have to feel like such an asshole still   when I swig from every booze on the shelf   until I've had my fill to the gills and make a    fool of myself   you wouldn't smell like a liquor distillery   relief would be as easy and quick as a pill in me   one dash of aspirin, a lick of senility   and you'd never have to live with humility