KELLY: Hello?   GUY: Hey it’s your ex.   KELLY: It’s one in the morning,   What the hell do you want?      GUY: Baby I’m horny.   KELLY: Oh, so what are you saying,   You want to get together?      GUY: I want you to come over all dressed up in leather   Like you used to do      KELLY: Back in ‘02   GUY: You give me nice dreams,   Make me want to scream ooh, ooh, ooh!      KELLY: That’s not happening again, that was back then   and now i’m interested in bigger and better men      No booty calls!   Deck!   No booty calls!   Deck!   That’s not happening!      GUY: Aw, Kelly, I still got it goin' on   I know you’re hot to trot, and I’m warm for your form      KELLY: Wow, with cliches like that I’m really torn   Your game is played, go back to your porn      GUY: You start me up, you make a dead man come      KELLY: Then you can just drop dead,   'Cause you ain’t gettin' some      GUY: What happened to the freak who used to rock my world?      KELLY: Well, the freak’s still here, but she’s not your girl!   You broke up with me.      GUY: I made a mistake!      KELLY: So why don’t you just ask me out on a date?      GUY: Uh, cuz, uh.. tonight’s fate!      KELLY: Please!   No booty calls!   Deck!   No booty calls!   That’s not happening!      GUY: Remember when I hit it in the parking lot      KELLY: Outside of IHOP?      GUY: Yeah, that was SO hot!      KELLY: Thank you, I’m flattered, but it doesn’t matter   I remember that you threw up in the pancake batter   You’ve got a problem, you’re drunk all the time   Are even you sure that this phone number’s mine?      GUY: Uhhh…yeah, I…wait, what?      KELLY: If that confused you, I’m gonna have to lose you   Go back to first grade and get yourself a Blue’s clue!   I don’t even know whatever made me choose you!      GUY: Cuz we’re good together.      KELLY: But I can do better!      GUY: But one makes you wetter.      KELLY: Buddy, you’re like cheddar   CHEESY! (White cheddar)      GUY: You know I moved out my mom's,   Now I got my own crib      KELLY: That’s funny, that’s just where you belong, in a crib.      GUY: You sayin I’m your baby?      KELLY: I’m sayin you’re *a* baby.      GUY: I’m not hearin yes or no, I’m hearin maybe      KELLY: Well get your hearing checked cuz you can’t play me      GUY: If I’m a player, hate the game, don’t hate me!      KELLY: That’s not how that phrase goes.      GUY: I know, but you just turn me on, baby,   From my head to my toes.      KELLY: Jesus Christ, could you at least be original?   If game was the truth then yours would be fictional!      GUY: Baby, I got style and I got class.      KELLY: I got a brand new boot for your assNo booty calls!   Deck!   Aw come on baby!   NO! No booty calls!   That’s not happening!      GUY: Hey Kelly from the block   I don’t just talk the talk   I walk the walk and I know you like my c--      KELLY: Hey, Johnny come lately,   Don’t discombobulate me   If you want some of this you have to properly date me!      GUY: You mean wine and dine? That’s a waste of time.   I can spend five dollars and STILL get mine.      KELLY: Since that’s probably all you have, let me buy you a hint   How’s this: go stuff your peehole with a junior mint      GUY: Baby all I want to do is make you sweat   Let me be Romeo to your Juliet      KELLY: OK, drink some poison and I’ll stab myself   You’d know that story if you ever took a book off a shelf      GUY: I don’t need no book!      KELLY: Double negative, so you do!      GUY: My dick’s hard, look!      KELLY: That’s pejorative, so rude!      GUY: I don’t understand all these big words you use   I don’t need big words cuz I got big shoes      KELLY: Verbally you’re a moron,   Sexually you’re a cling on   I’m more mature now,   I need a mental turn on      GUY: Baby I got brains, in my underwear,   My dick equals mc squared! BOOM!      KELLY: You need to go back to physics class   The only brain in your pants is your head up your ass   Check that, you know, you could be right   'Cause you do come faster than the speed of light      GUY: You must admit I got a load like a stallion   And I skeet, skeet on with my creamy italian      KELLY: Ew! what am I to you, a salad bar?   You like to skeet so much, I need a deck sneeze guard!      GUY: You want some tonight?      KELLY: I want some never!      GUY: That’s not what you said back when we were together      KELLY: Well that’s not happening again, that was back then   And now I’m interested in smarter, *employed* men!      No booty calls!   Deck!   No booty calls!   That’s not happening!   No booty calls, deck, sorry.      GUY: Oh, come on, baby, you know I treat you right!   KELLY: No, don’t interrupt me, no booty calls, OK?   GUY: Oh, we back on that again!   KELLY: Yeah, we are, because I don’t want one!   GUY: Don’t you want to check out my new stereo?   KELLY: I don’t think so!   GUY: I know you’ll like it.   KELLY: Whatever!   GUY: Come on, baby, come over!   KELLY: No, this phone conversation is over!   *CLICK*      KELLY: Deck!