i'm trying too hard to forget to just be me.    forgetting to forget the imagined audience.    who i wish would understand me,   yet never know me.    because i can't bear to show what i don't know.    this is why i discuss trivialities.    this is why i seem so strong.   because my shell won't be cracked if i make sure you never find out how to.    yet i want to open up.    i want to see who i am.    i want to see.    but it terrifies me to think that maybe you love me for what i say and not who i am.    My politics just aren't me;    just another wall between you and i.      The select few who've seen through the facade,    i pushed away in horror.    afraid of what they knew.    i withheld so much about myself to keep a fucked-up advantage   and now i see i never had anything to gain.    so now there's no more trying to "Just be me".    no more hiding behind a language. just expose myself for what i've been;   a fraud,    cashing in on rhetoric    that i learned to abuse,    what i used to push you away.    that i used to win even though.. every single time i lost.   every single time.