We live in a society where every day we hear or read of someone or some aspect of society experiencing persecution or abuse. With the constant bombardment of such news we risk becoming a people who are desensitized to the plight of others. Most of us are aware of the rising concerns over domestic abuse or bullying in our school yards, part of which involves verbal threats and name calling. If you have ever been called "idiot", "dummy", "fat-so", "stupid" or worse, you have experienced a seldom recognized form of abuse referred to as "verbal abuse".



Name calling is the most obvious form of verbal abuse. Other forms, such as insults under ones breath, or slights, are less evident, and more subtle in nature. Over time, and prolonged exposure, many become dulled to the repulsiveness of verbal abuse, yet with each encounter damage is wrought upon the target of such abuse, leaving a deepening mark.

Recognizing these forms of verbal abuse can be very difficult for many reasons. First, verbal abuse is usually done in secret, and seldom seen in public. Usually, only the target of verbal abuse hears it, and the abuser relishes on the power of verbally abusing a person in private so no witnesses are present.

Second, verbal abuse becomes more intense over time, as the target becomes use to it, and the abuser realizes that without escalation he or she is losing power over the target of his or her abuse.

Third, verbal abuse comes in many inter-changing forms and relishes in it's disguises.

Fourth, verbal abuse consistently plays down the target's perception of the abuse, abusing the target then claiming, "That could hardly be considered as abuse!"

For many, living in a world of verbal abuse is similar to putting a frog into hot water, and watching it jump out immediately. The offensive nature of the situation is obvious in the initial stages. If you put a frog into cold water and heat it up gradually, it'll stay and boil to death, much like the slow emotional death a victim of verbal abuse endures over time. A target of verbal abuse becomes desensatized to the ongoing abuse, simply living with it, not knowing what else to do, or worse feeling they are hopelessly trapped in an ongoing environment of belittlement.

In a verbally abusive relationship, the target's need to understand and be understood is not met by their abusive partner. On the flip side of the scenario, the target's false belief their partner is rational and that things can be worked out, keeps the target in the relationship and continually in harms way. The target's inability to come to a place of understanding with his or her partner creates confusion and is almost not understandable to the target. With the abuser struggling in their own relational skills and not being able to process the reality of the situation as they try to come to a clear understanding of the target, leaves the target in an environment where they are blamed for and may begin to falsely accept that the target, themselves, is responsible for the batterment of their own spirit. The inner lie is soon believed, "It must be my fault that person is abusing me."

There are a few behavioral patterns which indicate the existence of verbal abuse. The first pattern which a person may recognize is that the interactions which upset, hurt, or confuse the target rarely, if ever, occur in public. Like other forms of abuse, verbal abuse most often occurs behind closed doors. If it occurs in public it is disguised in some way so others may think it's justified. By entering the public forum, the target of verbal abuse is in impending danger as this step by the abuser is a form of escalation which is often the precursor to physical abuse.

A second behavioral pattern indicating verbal abuse, is when bouts of verbal abuse are sudden and appear for no explainable reason. The target could be enjoying an evening at home and all of a sudden for no apparent reason the abusive partner will explode into a rage directed at the target.

A third behavioral pattern of verbal abuse occurs when the target is feeling happy, enthusiastic, or successful. The abuser will see this as losing power over the target, and engage in belittling comments to "put the target in their place". In public this may be disguised as a competitive spirit in one relational partner.

A fourth pattern of verbal abuse is an argumentative spirit always arguing against the position taken by the target.

A fifth pattern is the abuser's disdain for the target's interests in life.

A sixth pattern is when after an episode of verbal abuse, the abuser does not seem reconcilitory, or aware that they mis-behaved. The words seldom heard are, "I'm sorry, I was wrong!" The action never seen is a repentive change in lifestyle.

The seventh pattern would involve the target experiencing increasing isolation from family and friends through the dominating spirit of the abusive partner. While at the same time, the abusive personality may show irresponsibility by not coming home when previously stated or not showing up at family functions leaving his or her family not knowing their where abouts, then feeling infringed upon when people see those actions as irresponsible, or offensive.

Eighth, common physical signs of a target enduring ongoing verbal abuse include: an over-whelming sense of exhaustion for the target to be their own person; increasing frustration over the target's inability to understand their abuser; and increasing muscle tension with the possible presence of stress type headaches or nervous illnesses such as stomach and intestinal challenges as well as depression..

Verbal abuse is manipulative and controlling, and dished out by a party who is often an anger addict or possessing unresolved deep seated psychological issues. Rarely is the target able to bring healing to the abusive person, but should seek distance from their abuser and guidance while they go through their own healing process. A verbally abusive partner can easily become, and often already is, a physically abusive partner. Outside help should be sought out quickly and quietly by the target of such abuse.