Nevertheless, divorce is not something pleasant. It means that two people who had got together, for right or wrong reasons, couldn't make it work and have come to the point of breaking it up.



That is always sad.

But, if you have read any of my other articles, you will know that I am not one for looking at the past to see who we can blame. What does interest me is looking forward - to see how you can make the best of a bad situation.

The accent should be on damage control if, for whatever reason, divorce has happened, or is going to happen.

So, for the sake of the children, here are some tips on how to minimize the impact on the kids:

1. Ideally, parents should not get divorced because children want to live with both parents in a loving and caring home. That is a responsibility you have towards them.

If your relationship is struggling, for whatever reason, be honest about it and seek some help - either for yourself, or jointly as a couple. Do whatever it takes to re-kindle the love you once had.

Note, this does NOT mean you should put up with an abusive relationship just to "stay together for the children". Ongoing violence, drug abuse, acrimony, etc are NOT good for children. If you really need to get out, then get out.

2. Once you have taken the decision to go in for a divorce, go about it in grown-up manner and as far as possible try to separate amicably. Discuss it and agree that under the circumstances it is best to separate. Avoid lengthy court battles and custody disputes; they will drain you out emotionally and financially. Hurt feelings will become impediments in your efforts to move on with life. You can't begin to imagine what impact it can have on the children.

3. You might think the other person is ?evil?, but avoid speaking against him. Children don't like to hear anything against their parents. You need to be grown-up and honest with your children. Talk to them and answer their questions as honestly and dispassionately as you can. You also need to reassure them that you will not leave them. Usually, that is a great fear in the minds of children.

4. At the same time, do not defend the other parent if he/she proves to be constantly unreliable - not turning up for visits when promised, failing to send cards and presents, etc. Your child will be deeply disappointed, hurt, perplexed, and will believe (s)he must have done something wrong. Make it quite clear that it is NOT your child's fault that you separated, nor their fault that the other parent is so unreliable.

5. Even if you have been badly hurt or angry, you must encourage your child to keep in contact with the other parent through phone calls, letters and occasional visits. Of course, if the visits become unpleasant, you might have to stop that. Usually, children need to know that both parents can be contacted. Don't pass on your perceptions and prejudices to your child.

6. Never send messages to the other parent through your children. If you have something to communicate, pick up the phone and say it; don't involve your children in your fights and arguments.

7. In case the other parent is really harmful or abusive, protect your child by all means, but make sure your opinion is not based on your prejudices.

8. Joint custody, in which the child spends three days a week in one home and 4 days in the other almost never works. Children need a consistent place to call home, not to be batted back and forth between the two places. But if the other parent really is in a better position (emotinoally, financially, whatever) to look after the kids - then for their sake permit it! (Yes, I know that is hard, but it is time to be grown-up about all of this.) Also, do not try to control the parenting style or rules that your ex uses. You look after the parenting in your house and leave them to look after the parenting in their house.

9. Children are not prepared to see someone else taking the place of their parent. So, be sensitive about bringing strangers into the home. Children keep hoping that their parents will get back together some day. Don't kill their hopes.

10. Above all, get yourself sorted out. Heal from the wounds, learn from the past, and be an example to your children of how to overcome a bad situation and turn it to good. Give your children hope, not despair, about human relationships, or they will just repeat the same cycle when they grow up.

Don't assume that your children will suffer from your divorce. If you can keep your hurt feelings aside you will sail through this bad situation calmly and in a mature manner. And, be reasonable about allowing the other parent's role in your child's life.

Ultimately, it all boils down to being the very best parent that you can be.