Whatever.



If I am anywhere near anything, everything changes. I just have that effect. Kind of like a clogged toilet with no plunger. My wife works with this young lady who was getting married. I have met her once or twice and my wife is not really that close at all to her.

My wife was to be a bride's maid (bride's matron for you politically correct knuckleheads). Somehow within a week of the wedding, my wife became the Maid (Matron)of Honor and somehow I became an usher!

The bride-to-be sent a ~txt msg 2 my wfe n axed her to c if I wud b n ushr.~ My wife asked/told me to be an usher and I said, "Why, who died"? Then my wife explained that they only have one other usher and they need another so I said, "no". Why is no a wrong answer?

I get told "NO" all of the time!

Women have a way of beating there men into submission without throwing a single punch or kitchen utensil (had a donut thrown at me once). It is called the "cut-off tactic". Every married person reading this knows exactly what I am talking about.

Women shaking there head up and down saying, "That is right, that is right"!

Men don't lie to yourself. Sitting there saying, "I get it when I want it"! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA---Wake up man!

The cruelest form of torture ever known to man. So I very reluctantly said YES. I will be in any stupid freaking wedding because I am not giving up my vittles!!!!

Do you know how much crap costs for weddings?

It was not even our wedding. We hardly knew them. I asked my wife if we were renewing our vows because we hadn't spent that much money since our own wedding. She told me to "pipe it" (feisty she is---me likes).

I felt like I was handing out money like free "runaway bride" bobble heads at a baseball stadium.

We buy all of this stuff and I have issues of course, mainly with this dress my wife will wear only once! I asked her, "Why don't they rent dresses like they do suits and tuxes for men"? You would just think that I had said the most horrible statement any person could utter. She said, "That is a no-no. Women do not like to wear something other women have worn". "Why not"?

My wife gives me this look I have never seen before and says, "I don't think so. I am not wearing some dress after some hoochie momma had it on. No thank you". I told her that it must be because women fart in it and don't want to absorb another woman's fragrance!

The Rehearsal

The plan for rehearsal is do the walk through and then everyone go have dinner. We get there and everyone is standing there watching the bride's dad planting a tree. We were told that it would be a semi-formal dinner. We get there and everyone is in jeans or shorts and t-shirts! Here I am in a tie and it is 88 degrees outside?! So I lose the tie, just bite my tongue, and follow the crowd. As you can tell my overload meter is starting to climb.

I have only been there 15 minutes.

We head down this pathway about 400 yards to the area where the wedding is to be held. There is a tree lined path which I would like to term "mosquito alley". We get there the Pastor is ready to go, but guess what? 200 chairs need to be put out. So I start carrying chairs. Why didn't they have this done already? So I am sweating my butt off as I look over and the bride and groom- to-be are standing there watching!! Everyone is carrying these chairs, even the Pastor!

I will help anyone with anything, but this was ridiculous.

Why can't I be quite?

I said, "Hey! I have at least 10 years on both of you and I barely know either one of you. So I suggest you drop the googly eyes and get over here and help". I told them my "temporary worker permit expires in 5 minutes. You work today and stand and look pretty tomorrow". I try to refrain, I really do. Just at times it is soooo hard not to.

After half an hour of rearranging the chairs 5467 times we start the walk through. Or so I thought. They have the main aisle where the bride, etc. will walk up all laid out, but the fancy flower pots are not lined up. So they consult each other for another 20 minutes until I finally walk over and pick one up and turn it. "Perfect", the bride’s mom finally says. Why was that so hard, I kept asking myself? 10 people trying to get one flower pot straight! For the love of all get out!

The Pastor finally walks us through and then it is time to eat. Eat + me in the same sentence is a good thing! (No, not eat me)

Not so fast hungry man. "Can you help me a minute", says the bride's mom. You ever heard a lion growl? That was me. I was sweating, losing 5 pints of blood to mosquitoes and now she wants me to help place candles out. They have 17 acres and there are places for candles over half of that. I have never seen so many candle holders in my life. You would think a Home Interiors plane had crashed in their yard.

We get the candle distribution done and then go eat. Finally.

The groom has a surprise Bachelor party come up and his little fiancé is fuming! She just glared at him with the “I will kill you" look. Seen it many times so I know what I am talking about. I asked him if he had life insurance, because he would probably not make it another week pulling that kind of stuff on her. I told her, “Isn’t marriage grand! You haven’t seen anything yet. You need to learn the cut-off tactic." Then, my wife punched me in the arm. What did I do?

Wedding Day

They want us there at 3:30PM. 2 hours before to take pictures?!? I thought those were taken after the actual wedding? Whatever. This wedding was weird enough anyway. Remember the candles? Mom wants them all lit. Guess who gets the honor?

So, as I am wandering the 10 acres that these candles are covering, I burn the fluid out of brand new lighter. The extended kind you light a grill with!

That is how many candles there were. That took me 45 minutes. After I light them all her mom comes out and says, "Did you light them all"? GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! "Yes". She says, "These did not light. Can you light them again, please? I will get you another lighter". I told her, "They blow out because of the breeze". Did I get the response thanks for trying or that will be fine or oh well we tried?

Ummmm NO!

So, I re-light the 5 billion flipping candles that have blown out and then get ready to start ushering people to their seats.

I really wanted to say to the guests “just sit where you want". Don't get me wrong, everything was beautiful and they had the right ideas, but it was too hot and candles don't stay lit too well in a breeze in the MIDDLE of the day! I went through 2 grill lighters that carry a couple gallons of lighter fluid and most of the candles were out when the ceremony started anyway. Go figure.

They brought the guests down in a horse and carriage. Nice touch except the horses did not have a bag on the poop deck if you know what I am saying. Everyone signs the guestbook (should have put my website in there--shoot!), grabs their wedding thingy, and wait in the shade because it is very hot and humid.

Finally (the crowd goes wild) the wedding gets started and everyone is seated, baking in the 90 degree heat with no shade and now biting flies are out. My wife had one chew off half of her arm because she had to hold 2 bouquets and could not move because of the ceremony. Felt so bad for her, but I could not walk up and smack her on the arm in front of 200 people. It would have made good TV though (just kidding).

People are getting chewed up, sweating, and on top of that there is an opera singer. It is way to hot and humid for ear piercing notes. Not one wedding song. Not 2.

4 songs! It seemed every time the Pastor finished a sentence, there would be a song.

I wanted to die of heatstroke.

The best part was near the end when they had a reading of a prayer by the bride’s grandparents. They had them on these scrolls that you could read with them. Then the groom’s grandma wanted in on the action. She slams her wheelchair into full speed and nails the best man who had his backed turned. She wanted under that gazebo for the reading and knocked his feet right out from under him! I don’t think the Great wall would have stopped her. That made my day a lot better for a brief moment.

They finish the ceremony and then the horse carriage takes the bridal party up to the reception tent.

There is a catch though. Everyone is asked to carry their chairs the 400 yards up the hill to the reception tent. Guess who helps if they can't carry their chairs? GRrrrRRrrrrrRRRrrrrRRR...

So, I carried about 30. Most people walk through flower petals at weddings. We had fresh horse poo to walk through because the poop deck bags were not on the horses!!.

We get up to the reception tent and my head is fire red from the heat and they want more pictures. Fine. The newlyweds cut the cake and bring their piece they cut together over to the bridal party table to save it. As they walk away, one of the bride’s aunts or something comes over and talks to my wife.

She was lit up on something. No one is that droopy eyed and happy all at once. She starts eating the piece of cake they wanted to save! I almost fell on the ground with laughter. This lady was going at that cake like there was no tomorrow. She says, “That was good cake" and gets up and leaves with icing all over her fingers and face. LOL!!! What is it with me and cake?

I think I will start a bridal party rental service. Might as well get paid for being volunteered next time. So, if you or anyone you know has a wedding coming soon call me at 555-you-wish and leave a msg.

Anyway, it was a beautiful wedding and reception overall. It is just the details that get to me, as usual.

Adios til my next adventure,

Doug G

www.workbegone.com