When I read some of the questions out of the Divorce Forums, I am continuously amazed at some of the incidents that come up, displaying for all the world to see the lack of maturity on the part of the divorcing parties. In some instances, one or both parties use dirty tactics to punish the other.

I knew of one divorcee who could not get her rich and powerful husband to finalize their divorce. His behavior, due to the possession clause in that state, was manipulative and divisive. If she got fed up and left, he owned the house. He did everything possible including paying off the legal community to keep that divorce from becoming final before he could manipulate her to move out. She tried to find attorneys with great big fangs to go after him, and was unsuccessful. Eight years after the proceedings had begun, she got fed up and figured out a way to make it final. She went to her therapist (whom she knew had to report this to the police) and said that she had a gun and was going to shoot the bastard. The therapist, of course, reported it to the police. Magically, her divorce was finalized the following week.

I am not suggesting you use this tactic. In fact, I strongly suggest that you do not use it. I told you the story simply to illustrate the dirty tactics I've seen happen in divorce court. What I am suggesting is that you do everything in your power to create a collaborative divorce for the sake of your children.

The emotional climate in divorce seems to make reason take a long vacation. You'd prefer reasonableness, but the sparks seem to fly between you and your ex because you know where he keeps his goat parked and you can't seem to help yourself from flinging it into his face, can you. If this is what is happening for you, I'd suggest that you let your attorney speak to his attorney so that the emotions can be anesthetized and reason returned to the throne.

Research on the internet so that you understand your rights and the rights of your children. That knowledge, plus the expertise of your attorney, should help to make a collaborative divorce happen and thus, not be quite so disturbing for the children involved. If your discussions with your ex become volatile, please don't do them in front of your children. Hire a childcare provider and take your discussion out of the home where your kids won't be disturbed by it.

If you will keep your kids at the top of the list and try to keep the divorce as harmonious as you can for their sake, you'll experience more harmony than if you didn't have this as a goal. Your children deserve to be as undisturbed emotionally as you are able to craft for them. Your children will look back on what you accomplished when they are adults and love you for it. It's just not necessary to revert to dirty tactics when you're divorced.