This week we’re going to cover the subject of weddings from the man’s point of view....

That’s right, this week we’re gonna cover weddings from the man’s point of view. And why not? It’s June, right? The big wedding month? Well, okay then, let’s get down to business. Of all the activities or events that there are out there, one of the most feminine dominated ones are wedding ceremonies. Okay, laugh if you will, make all the comments you want about how weddings are for both the man and woman, and then sit back and answer the following questions to see if I’m not hittin’ it dead on the target...

What gender typically directs the wedding ceremony?

Whose preacher typically conducts the wedding ceremony?

Who is ninety plus percent of the crowd there to see, the about-to-be new husband or the about-to-be new wife?

Who benefits most from the bridal registry?

Which gender most enjoys dressing up for the ceremony, and which gender’s feet hurt for days afterwards on account of having to wear black leather shoes with triple thick soles?

Whose wedding clothing is preserved for posterity afterwards, and whose is immediately taken back to the rental place?

(..and here’s one to see if y’all are still paying attention) What gender typically pays for the whole ceremony?

See what I mean? And it gets even worse for the poor man involved. A guy who has a zillion girlfriends can announce one day that he’s found someone to marry, and everyone will laugh and wonder why he’s bothering to go through with a wedding at all, sort of the “why buy a cow....” type analogy. But, let a woman live with a man for ten years and then announce that she’s marrying him and having a big ceremony, well, no one will say ten words about the insanity of it all, in fact, it‘s usually applauded. Why? But it gets even worse for us males - the man, right after the ceremony, will be whisked away along with his new bride over to the wedding reception. This will typically be a super nice, catered affair, and one that the man has somewhat looked forward to as he has had to starve himself for several hours prior to the ceremony (he can’t have noises rumbling out of his stomach for everyone to hear while the vows are being recited, you know). As soon as he gets a little plate of food and readies himself for some much needed nutrition, he’ll be hemmed up by some of his new bride’s relatives and told to “be good to her,” or “treat her like we always did,” and my all-time personal favorite, “we’ll be keeping an eye on you.” What the male discovers over the next few years is that most of the relatives who made these statements are either unemployed, struggling with substance abuse problems, or else follow religions involving the handling of dangerous reptiles. Of course, in all fairness, all families have their share of drunks and losers, but for some reason the new bride’s deadbeat ones want to dole out lots of advice to the groom right after the wedding. I guess that’s because they realize that the man will soon discover the true scoop, and as a result they’ll never be able to give out any advice again, so they have to take full advantage of their one good chance to do so.

Personally, if I were single and getting married tomorrow, I would forgo a traditional wedding and opt for getting married on a cruise ship. And no, not because of all the nice places the ship would take me, but because getting married on a cruise ship means that the honeymoon begins just as soon as you walk back to your cabin. The honeymoon is the highlight of the whole marriage service for the male, and also happens to be the item that he typically has to wait the longest to enjoy, so getting married on a cruise ship eliminates this particular problem.

In conclusion, ladies, please don’t get too hacked off at me because of these observations - as much happiness as y’all bring into men’s lives, the least we men can do is endure the before noted horrors of the marriage ceremony itself. All in all, a couple of hours of torture vs. getting to spend the rest of your life with a lovely woman is well worth it all in the end. Well, well worth it all unless your bride has an old maid aunt with whiskers who wants to give you a big ole kiss when you run up on her in the reception line...