My divorce was a pretty easy process. I never thought about the effects of divorce back then, neither for me or for our daughter. My ex-hubby and I never really fought, we just decided that we were making each other unhappy instead of happy, and that it would be better for both of us to move on. What I never could have imagined, is that the mere fact of our marriage going down the drain, would still have a big emotional impact on my daughter and me for the years to come. I started to discover only recently, that some of my feelings where I feel guilty and disappointed, stem from that time, when we decided to split up.

Something I realized the other day, is that I do have a deep rooted feeling of guilt since the day I divorced. I often don't even know that I am feeling guilty, but since I started recognizing the feeling in my body, I am much more aware of it. I sense a strange feeling in my stomach in certain situations, and I now recognize it as 'guilt'.

If somebody would have told me that I was over reacting out of guilt, I would have laughed at them. Me, feeling guilty? I am OK, just as I am, I am doing my meditation exercises to be at peace with myself and the world, no, guilt is an emotion which I hardly know.

I feel it when I put my daughter on the school bus, I feel it when I hear her talk to her Dad on the phone, I feel it when I see the dishes piled up in the sink.

What is it that makes me feel guilty so often? Me, who thought that guilt was not something which belonged to my emotional repertoire... Am I feeling disappointed about myself?

Somehow I have a different expectation than what I actually am, feel, do, think. I feel disappointed when I see the reality of me: When I forget to phone my friend on her birthday, even though I know it is important to her, When I promise that I will help the neighbor with her spring clean, although i know that I'm probably not going to make it, When I talk on the phone about my brother to my Dad, and I know that he is going to tell Mom, who tells my sister-in-law, who tells my brother...

'All disappointment comes from expectations'. (Buddha)

Guilt and disappointment are somehow related. I feel that if I am not having high expectations as to my own behavior under certain circumstances, I am also less prone to be disappointed when I don't behave up to my own standards. The resulting feelings of guilt then also do not appear. Sometimes it are other people having high expectations, and even more often, we THINK that they have certain expectations (which we will never meet), and in reality they do not even think like that....

The way to get out of this Catch 22 is simple but not so easy. Especially when these hidden effects of divorce hit us, some of these believes can be very deeply rooted in our heart and head. The first step is to localize the feeling as it manifests itself in our body. As soon as we know which body sensation is pointing to the emotion of guilt and disappointment, we have to start being aware of it. After some practice, we start to realize what is happening every time we feel the sensation.

The second step is a cognitive one: We have to tell ourselves that nobody is perfect. We are probably far from perfect, but that is life. The people who love us, will have to love us as we are, and we will only get frustrated if we try to keep up the image of a perfect human being. Whenever we make a mistake, the first thing we have to do is FORGIVE OURSELVES. That is difficult, I know, but it is fundamental. If I would have known everything I know now, I would have taken many different decisions. But the fact is, that I did NOT know! I was oftentimes stumbling in the dark, and it would not be fair unto myself to judge the decisions I made back then on the knowledge I have now!

Step three... If you forgive yourself, you will also be much more lenient towards others. Your relationship with the world around you will look so much easier and better the moment you start doing this.

To wrap it up: If I am a forgiving person, my life is much less stressful. I am more effective in what I do, I am better in maintaining relationships, and I make less mistakes. Therefore I have no reason to be disappointed, and I don't feel guilty.