Talking to children about a divorce is never easy. How much they understand will depend on how young they are at the time, so tell them things they are capable of understanding, and don't confuse them with the complications. Whatever the age, the essence of your message should be the same: "Mommy and Daddy loved each other and were happy, but now they think they can be happier living apart. What happened between them is not your fault and they will always be there to take care of you and love you.?

The following suggestions will help you make it easier for the children as well as for yourself:

When a divorce involves school-going children between the ages of 6 and 8, each parent must spend individual time with the children to reassure them of their love. Children at this age are very keen about fairness. They want to spend time with both parents. Yet, they also want to know who is to blame for the divorce.

Your children may express their despair through anger, sadness or aggressiveness. They may develop problems with their school-work, become bullies, or have problems with their friendships. Their stress may manifest in stomach upsets, nightmares, headaches, sleeplessness, etc. They may get overtly fussy, throw tantrums and even revert to baby behaviour such as thumb-sucking and bed-wetting. These are signs of distress, and it will be wise to consult with a child psychiatrist who will also help you learn how to handle your children when they are upset, and how to reduce the strain of divorce on the family.

Younger children may try their best to reunite their parents, but you need to show them the reality of the situation as gently as possible so that they accept and understand. To do this, each parent must separately spend time with them, and show them that they are no longer a couple. This will not guarantee that children will forgo their hopes of reunification. This is something they will continue to think about for years to come.

What if your children don't react at all? Tell them you can talk about it another time.

It's important for you to frequently remind your children that they are not to blame for the break-up or the unhappiness of their parents. Children tend to believe that the divorce is their fault. If they cry, let them, but make sure to hold them and comfort them.

If your children ask you questions about the divorce, answer them honestly. Give them enough information so that they are prepared for the changes ahead, without frightening them. They might want to know:

Finally, children will do best if they know that their parents are getting along well with each other despite their problems. Don't get drawn into arguments, or try to seek revenge by denying your spouse visitation rights. It will only hurt your children who need both of you. After all, you and your spouse are karmically bonded by your children; you may as well learn to be pleasant with each other.