[chorus]   This is hell, this is hell    I am sorry to tell you    It never gets better or worse    But you'll get used to it after a spell    For heaven is hell in reverse       The bruiser spun a hula-hoop    While all the barmen preen and pout    The neon 'I' in nightclub flickers on and off    And finally blew out    The irritating jingle    Of the belly-dancing phoney Turkish girls    The eerie glare of ultra-violet    Perfect dental work       [chorus]      The failed Don Juan in the big bow-tie    Is very sorry that he spoke    For he's mislaid his punchline    More than half-way through a very tasteless joke    The fraulein caught him peeking down her gown    He's yelling in her ear    And all at once the music stopped    As he was intimately bellowing "My dear"       [chorus]      The shirt you wore with courage    And violent nylon suit    Reappear upon your back    And undermine the polished line you try to shoot    It's not the torment of the flames    That finally sees your flesh corrupted    It's the small humiliations that your memory piles up       This is hell, this is hell, this is hell.       My favourite things are playing    Again and again    But it's by Julie Andrews    And not by John Coltrane    Endless balmy breezes in perfect sunsets framed    Vintage wine for breakfast    And naked starlets floating in champagne    All the passions of your youth    Are tranquilized and tamed    You may think it looks familiar    Though you may know it by another name       [chorus]       This is hell, this is hell