i'm trying too hard to forget to just be me.   forgetting to forget the imagined audience.   who i wish would understand me,   yet never know me.   because i can't bear to show what i don't know.   this is why i discuss trivialities.   this is why i seem so strong.   because my shell won't be cracked if i make sure you never find out how to.   yet i want to open up.   i want to see who i am.   i want to see.   but it terrifies me to think that maybe you love me for what i say and not who i am.   My politics just aren't me;   just another wall between you and i.      The select few who've seen through the facade,   i pushed away in horror.   afraid of what they knew.   i withheld so much about myself to keep a fucked-up advantage   and now i see i never had anything to gain.   so now there's no more trying to "Just be me".   no more hiding behind a language. just expose myself for what i've been;   a fraud,   cashing in on rhetoric   that i learned to abuse,   what i used to push you away.   that i used to win even though.. every single time i lost.   every single time.