I've got a bitter pot of je ne sais quoi   Guess what-I'm stirring it with a monkey's paw   Since I saw you coming out of my barber's shop   In that skimpy little halter top      Did you light the candles? Did you put on "Kind of Blue?"   Did you use that Ivy League voodoo on him, too?   He thinks he'll be alright but he doesn't know for sure   Like every other unindicted co-conspirator      Mata Hari had a house in France   Where she worked on all her secret plans   Men were falling for her sight unseen   She was a genius      There's a a face in every window of the Songwriters' Neighborhood   Everybody's your best friend when you're doing well-I mean good   The poet who lived next door when you were young and poor   Grew up to be a backstabbing entrepreneur      Albert Einstein was a ladies' man   While he was working on his universal plan   He was making out like Charlie Sheen   He was a genius      When you dropped me and you staked your claim   On a V.I.P. who could make your name   You latched on to him and I became   A minor inconvenience   Your protege don't care about art   I'm the one who always told you you were smart   You broke my heart into smithereens   And that took genius      You and the barber make a handsome pair   Guess what-I never liked the way he cut your hair   I didn't like the way he turned your head   But there's nothing I can do or say I haven't done or said      Everybody needs a place to stand   And a method for their schemes and scams   If I could only get my record clean   I'd be a genius