I can't tie my laces  I don't play the flute  My car is an automatic  I can't paint my nails  I never applaud  I'm not very good at Twister  And when my laptop crashes  I can't even press control-alt-delete  Cos I've got one hand    Hello can I speak to an emergency physician?  I have here a patient in a terrible condition  He's vomiting up blood and he'll soon need a mortician  Haematemesis  Bleurgh    Look at your skin, look at it's off-white hue,  Look at your eyeballs too,  They've gone all yellow  You came to me, you thought you had the flu.  I knew that wasn't true.  You wouldn't be yellow  We took some blood off you  That's just a thing we do  To folks who turn yellow  You're yellow like the desert in damascus is  You're yellow cos your liver has metastases  Do you know you're really f**cked you know  You're really f**ked you know    I would jog and I'd start rowing,  Every day you'd see me going to the park and to the gym  I'd go drinking in the pub and every evening I'd go clubbing  If I only had some limbs  I would learn to play the trumpet  Cos just sitting on my stump it tends to make my life quite grim  I'm content but I'd be more so if I wasn't just a torso  If I only had some limbs  Oh I just sit and cry, a quadruple amputee  I just hang around all day and watch TV  But that's the life of quadrapleg-ics  I'd play cards and I'd play scrabble,  Not just spend my days imagining a life where I had shins  Cos I've never had a date, hell I can't even masturbate  Oh if I only had some limbs    How can you just walk away from here?  How rude can a doctor be?  You're the orthopaedic registrar and we've been here since 3  You're the only one that we've been waiting for  So take a look at my nan  I think she's got a broken hip  We found her in the bathroom on the floor  You know I think she must have slipped  Take a look at my nan  The casualty doctor stated  One leg is shorter than the other  And it's externally rotated  Well take a look at my nan  Don't you know how long we've waited?  And if you can't fix her, then DNR  And can we have her cremated?    I'm pushing 83 and the trust are telling me to retire  I never take a history or consent  My post-op survival rate should be higher  In fact it's only 6 per cent  We work at Denmark Hill for the terminally I'll patients  But they're relatively well when they arrive  Cos I invent my own operations  And I'm the only one who leaves theatre alive  We're consultants, we're consultants at King's  We're consultants at King's    Do you feel any better?  Or do you feel the same?  We've done your operation now  And you've just yourself to blame  Now you've got 1 lung, 1 eye,  1 knee below your 1 thigh  We've removed your left hand side  And you're all right now    I get in the way  I don't know what to do or say  But I go in night and day  Vainly hoping someone will teach me  They say not today  Practice taking blood, okay  Me on take (Me on take)  Me on take (Me on take)  Me on take  Take me home