(Background music: Sportscast intro)   Newscaster: And right now it's time for athletics, and over to Brian   Goebells in Paris.   Goebells: Hello, well you join us here in Paris just a few minutes before the   start of today's big event: the final of the Men's-Being-Eaten-   By-A-Crocodile event. I'm standing now by the crocodile pit where-   AAAAAAHHHHH!      (FX: Crocodiles eating, French exclamations and sirens)      Newscaster: Ah. Well I'm afraid that we've lost Brian. While they're sorting   that out, we have a report from Barry Loathesome in Loughborough on   the British preparations for this most important event.   Loathesome: Here at Lughtborrow are the five young men chosen last week to be   eaten by a crocodile for Britain this summer. Obviously, the most   important part of the event is the opening 60 yard sprint towards   the crocs. And twenty-two year old Nottingham schoolteacher Gavin   Watterlow is rated by some not only the fastest but also the   tastiest British morsel since Barry Gordon got a bronze at   Helsinki. In charge of the team is Sergeant Major Harold Duke.   Duke: Aww, well, you not only got to get in that pit first, you gotta   get EATEN first. When you land in front of your croc, and 'e opens   his mouth, I wanna see you right in there. Rub your 'ead up   against 'is taste buds. And when those teeth bite into your flesh,   use the perches to thrust yourself DOWN his throat...   Loathesome: Duke's trained with every British team since 1928, and it's his   blend of gymnastic knowhow, reptilian expertise and culinary skill   that's turned many an un-appetizing novice into a crocodilic   banquet.   Duke: Well, our chefs have been experimenting for many years to find   a sauce most likely to tempt the crocodile. In the past, we've   concentrated on a fish based sauce, but this year, we are reverting   to a simple bernaise.   Loathesome: The British team are worried because Olympic regulations allow   only the competitor's heads to be sauced. Gavin Morolowe...   Morolowe: Yes, well, I mean, (clears throat) you know, four years ago,   everyone knew the Italians were coating the insides of their legs   with bolognaise, the Russians have been marinating themselves, One   of the Germans, Biolek, was caught actually putting, uh, remolarde   down his shorts. And the Finns were using tomato flavoured running   shoes. Uh, I think there should either be unrestricted garnishing,   or a single, Olympic standard mayonnaise.   Loathesome: Gavin, does it ever worry you that you're actually going to be   chewed up by a bloody great crocodile.   Morolowe: The only thing that worries me, Jim, is being the first one down   that gullet.   Loathesome: Well, the way things are going here at Loughborough, it looks as   though Britan could easily pick up a place in the first seven   hundred. But nothing's predictable in this tough, harsh, highly   competitive world where today's champion is tomorrow's crocodile   shit. And back to you, in the studio, Norman.