It was late at night on Christmas eve   I was dreaming of the soft white snow   I was awoken by a noise near the Christmas tree   What it was i did not know      It was Santa clause he was bringing me some gifts   Unfortunately i did not know that   So i quietly snuck up behind him   And i shot him five times in the back      It went pow pow pow pow pow   He said "what the xxxx ow ow ow"   Then i shot him three more times in the head   Pieces of his brain flew out and he was dead      That's when i noticed his blood-soaked beard   And his red suit filled with bullet holes   I said "oh my god i killed Santa clause   I'm not going to jail for this asshole"      So i went to my shed and i got my saw   And i started to choppipty chop chop   I started with his arms then his legs then his head   And then the torso was a really long job      And the blood went spurt spurt spurt   It was really hard work work work   It was hard cutting through his spine   I must have vomited sixteen times      I burnt all the pieces in my fireplace   The smell of burning human flesh filled my nose   Eleven hours later there was nothing left   And that's when i heard my telephone      It was auntie jean looking for uncle bob   She said "he left the house dressed as Santa clause   But he didn't come home last night   Have you seen him god i hope he's alright"