So, like, ok…here's the thing. You can't tell anyone, ok? Like, promise that you will never EVER breathe a word to anyone for less than $5000 about what I would tell you. I once had acne. Really! Before I was the money-making, rainbow-pooping Hollywood celebrity you've known me to be, I, like the rest of the regular boring people, have had my face filled with pimples and pus. And, to be honest, there are days where those red thingies make their appearance once in a while. Good thing there's Stacy (my assistant) now and she can pop it for me. What these hands touch becomes money. I tried to make money from pus, but it just doesn't work!



Anyway, let me tell you one thing: acne is soooo hard to treat! Like, when I was living in an apartment with two other waiter-actresses, we used to have pimple-popping parties but they never work! Now that I'm a celebrity and I know better, here are a few things to do to remove your acne:

1. Hire a regular pimple popper.

Yeah, that's the person's only job. He/She should be by your side in the morning and help you inspect your face. Have said pimple popper carry around pimple popping paraphernalia.

2. Make one of your friends a paparazzit.

Everyone in your entourage should have a role. One should get you water, one should comb your hair a hundred times during breaks, and another one should be on the lookout for the emergence of a pimple. Said friend should be in close contact with your pimple-popper.

3. Go to the most expensive doctor just because you can.

If you're the type who wants to stick to the good old fashioned way of going to a doctor with an actual medical degree, it's fine. But if you want to make a statement of how different you are (like everyone else in Hollywood), go to a different kind of doctor. The stranger the cure, the better as this show how unique and ahead of the trends you are when it comes to acne treatment so you can be talked about.

4. Maintain a strict facial regimen.

OK, maybe not you but ask your assistant to schedule your facial regimen in the morning and evening. You could also get a face-washer for yourself so you don't have to do all the soaping, rubbing, and drying yourself. Note, however, that your face should be the one that's being washed. I tried hiring a body double for this but the treatment didn't work.

So there you have it! Acne treatment tips from a celebrity. Don't forget to post these on your dresser along with my picture so you'd have some motivation. If you want to, you can sell this on the internet and claim it as an expose of sorts on how I used to be ugly or something. I'd deny I wrote this, by the way. You know that's how we make it to the headlines.