A lot of the skills we need in finding, or relating to, a partner can be developed as we go about the ordinary process of our daily lives. We don't have to wait till we meet a 'special person' before trying out our skills in connecting with other people. In fact the worse time to develop any new skill is when we are under pressure.



It is better to develop new skills when we are calm and relaxed. This applies as much to social skills as any other skills, so it is best to improve our social skills in unthreatening situations first. This increases are chances of doing the right thing automatically in more challenging situations.

Eye contact, for example, is a skill that we can develop in a very easy and natural way. It is well known that eye contact is one the main ways that attraction is felt between people. Good eye contact generates a kind of electricity and creates a feeling of connection. It is one of the best ways to give someone that special tingly feeling. In fact, it may be that without good eye contact those tingles never happen. (I contact + I contact = We Connect).

Looking and being looked at is a fundamental human need. Just think of the ways kids behave, with constant cries of 'Look at me mummy!'. When we don't look, and are not looked at in a positive way, we feel isolated. When we learn how to 'look' we make ourselves more attractive (ie more appealing to look at) and we feel more connected. Of course for dating and for finding a partner for a relationship eye contact is absolutely essential.

We do not have to limit eye contact to people we consider as potential partners. We can develop skills beforehand so that we stand a much better chance when someone we are interested in dating does come along.

We can use eye contact to create and deepen a feeling of connection with lots of other people in our lives. We can use it with family, friends, colleagues, acquaintances, or even just people we bump into during the day!

However, we need to respect the boundaries and feelings of other people and not impose ourselves on them. I am not suggesting that you go around trying to stare intensely into the eyes of everyone you meet. What I am suggesting is that you gently look people in the eye, hold a slight smile and keep eye contact for just a wee bit longer than you normally would. Even one or two seconds (even half a second) can make a big difference.

Of course, if the person looks uncomfortable back off right away and re-approach them very gently if it looks like they are open to that.

I like to make eye contact while thinking about something I like, or admire, about the person. It can be anything; their hair, clothes, style, smile, or of course, their eyes. If you try this I think you'll find that your eyes will look warmer and more attractive and you'll get very interesting responses from potential partners.

Too many people are thinking judgemental, wary and fearful thoughts when they first meet another person. They get caught up in being overly self conscious or the may get judgemental about themselves or the other person. This stops them putting out much in the way of warmth. Focussing on what we appreciate about other people gives us a chance to get our minds away from all of that fearful stuff and focus on something pleasant. It also helps light up our eyes and create a feeling of something different and attractive about us and helps create a 'buzz'.

The eyes does just take in they also give out!

The eyes are not just a source of communication for the person doing the looking, they tell the person you are looking at a lot about you. This is usually a process which is instinctive and most of us give and receive impressions via eye contact all the time without realising it. By becoming aware of what you give out through your eyes and you will develop a whole new skill in relating to others.

It is often much more powerful to tell someone you like them by how you look at them than by using words. By putting warmth in your eyes while you look at them and are with them will help this to come across. They person will get a sense of charm and wellbeing from you and they may even feel that you have a certain charisma. All without you having to risk saying anything!

Try basic eye contact first with people you know fairly well, then, when you get the idea of it, extend it to people you don't know so well. The chances are you feel closer to those people and they will feel closer to you.

If you are really shy you can try it first with plants or trees! Just pretend that the flowers or leaves are eyes and beam a slight smile and kind thought to them through your eyes. Once you get the idea move on to people. I don't recommend practicing it on animals, as they are a lot trickier. They often use eye contact to establish dominance, so make sure the beast is tied up, or safely enclosed, if you insist in trying it out on your neighbor's scary dog!

Take your time, get into the habit of noticing something you like about the person you are talking to and see if you can let that feeling come into your eyes. You can even practise when you are alone. Think about someone you like and let that feeling come into your eyes too. Letting yourself smile in a very slight and subtle way may help. That way you get the message across without being too obvious, specially in situations where you feel you need to be cautious. Of course, where the situation warrants in a great big smile is fine.

This stuff works! Eye contact really does wonders in helping us connect with others in a meaningful way. Whether you want to improve your chances in dating and matchmaking, or you just want improve you social life, learning to make better eye contact is essential. But, remember it is a skill so take time to develop your abilities and let yourself notice and enjoy the early results to encourage yourself to keep improving. You'll soon find yourself connecting the easy way.