Long Term Relationships



Long-term relationships are a different animal from their

short-term cousins. Relationships go through stages and the

first stages are very different from the later ones. In long-term

relationships, the patterns of communication are different.

The patterns are not laced with uncertainty, or so much sexuality,

or keenness of interest. Couple have "gotten used" to each other,

and their behavior reflects this change. Couples take each other

much more for granted. This does not have to be bad, but it is

different, considering the pattern of communication in the beginning

stages.

One of the most striking things to change is the emergence of

history. When we grow up, we absorb the culture of our parents

or surroundings. This becomes our "unconscious" norm. If we were

treated well in the past, we think this will continue into the

present. Conversely, if things did not go so well, our unconscious

bias is to expect similarly, even though consciously we, of course,

wish otherwise.

In the long-term relationship, this history begins to "pop up;"

that is, insert itself into our otherwise ordinary behaviors. A

real-life example is when one of the partners was

(and probably still is) the oldest of many brothers/sisters growing

up. She marries a man who is the youngest of a brood. Normally,

love conquers all, until the glow or novelty of the first stage of

the relationship wears off. Then the wife begins to behave as the

oldest, just about the time the husband begins to behave as the

youngest. One can imagine the conflicts that will follow as she

herds him or directs his behaviors or controls his impulsivity.

He, on the other hand, is used to having lots of attention from

older sibs and might even be used to being "the baby of the family."

He acts cute and thinks others will take care of him. She resents

the assumption because this is more work for her.

This is a general example but plays out often than one might

expect because the "real" people behind the roles of wife and

husband are surfacing.

The phenomenon behind this little charade is what we

psychologists call acting out of the transference. Transference

is the group of assumptions we all carry at unconscious levels that

guide our impulses and influence our choices. They're the attitudes

and biases I mentioned above that come from childhood. In

relationships, especially long-term ones, these transference biases

become increasingly visible in the patterns of behavior we manifest

to our partners. As the relationship matures the core values of

the individual become visible. The assumptions are acted out onto

our partner almost automatically (certainly unconsciously at first),

until there build some routines.

In the above example, if the wife is used to bossing around or

even just being in charge of younger siblings, she may take a

critical or even judgmental tone. She may use phrases that convey

authority or superiority, such as "you should" do this or that, or

"you should not" do this or that. This will put the listener

(the husband) in the position of being scolded; thus, he will feel

more like a child. If he happens to be the youngest kid in the

family, this will feel comfortable, even if he is criticized.

But sooner or later, the adult part of his brain will resent being

treated like a child and tensions will build.

Now we have a problem that feeds itself. She will criticize,

he will resent it and probably sabotage her efforts. The more she

criticizes, the more he will undo her efforts, consciously or

otherwise. This will escalate until one of them "blows."

I call this a Negative Loop. That's where each partner does

what irritates the other, who in turn does the very thing in

response that caused the first partner to do what he or she did.

This is a very general outline of thousands of possible transference

patterns and only one of eight major Negative Loops that I run into

every day in my practice as an outpatient psychologist and marriage

therapist.

-Dr. Griggs