No adult ever won a power struggle with a child, and no adult ever will. The minute you get into power struggle with a child, you've already lost. Instead, choose interventions that work around the resistance.

Nearly nonstop nay-saying is a normal part of development that prepares teens to become independent. Here are techniques to use with youth or children who evidence normal non-compliance, and those who use behaviors that go well beyond "typical" into seriously defiant:

Be Democratic

Who would you work harder for-- the boss who was a dictator or the boss who was a participatory manager? Most of us, whether adults or kids, want to have a say at work or school. Allowing youth input prepares them for the self-management they must do throughout life when adults aren't present.

Strategies: To win a great prize, have students play Tic Tac Toe without rules. They will discover that games won't work without rules. Now, have a classroom without rules and a defiant youth as teacher. Role reversals offer fast ways for defiant youth to get a jolting look at their own problem behavior.

If Everybody Says "No"

Help students realize that compliance is not arbitrary but essential.

Strategies: Ask the students to determine the consequences if everyone was non-compliant whenever they wished. Ask what would happen if everybody ignored stop signs, took every item they wanted, blocked traffic, refused to pay taxes, or could enter your house without your okay.

Give a Perspective

Defying authority can become the top issue above all else.

Strategies: Ask students to list the most important things they want in life. Defying authority will not be listed. Identify to defiant students that they devote much time and energy to low/no priority issues while jeopardizing their top goals. Have students cross out goals that defiance could ruin. This intervention is especially good with children such as conduct disorders who only care about what they want for me-me-me.

Different Approaches for Different Folks

You may have noticed two trends among your defiant youth. Some, such as conduct disorders, engage in defiance for fun, or out of meanness. These may be your students who are loudly non-compliant. But, others, usually your quieter students, are defiant not for sport or meanness, but out of quiet desperation. You must work with these two populations very differently. In past articles in this book, we discussed the special set of tools you must use with conduct disorders. For your more vulnerable child who is non-compliant, there are dozens of methods you can use. We will include a few of the best here.

Strategies: Your vulnerable students are non-compliant because it is safe and familiar, and they do so out of desperation. Teach them alternatives using acceptance. So, negotiation of expectations with incremental increases can help, but the more your wrestle for compliance, the less you may get, so also be sure to find out why the child says "no." Some children will tell of family strife, others will say "I don't know." Respond to the "I don't know" with "If you did know...what would it be?" and often you will learn key data that will guide you.

Be sure to teach compliance skills, including what to say when you don't want to do as directed. Many students say "no" but could learn to say for example, "I don't know how to do what you are asking," which would be a much more conciliatory response. Consider allowing the child to say if it is a "good work day" or a "bad work day" and to be given some accommodation on bad days. Any "breathing room" you offer fragile, non-compliant students will usually result in their undying loyalty to you, and they will work as hard as they can on days they are able. You may be one of the few sane, sober, humane adults in their universe. If you can strike the balance between your mission and the child's issues that impair functioning, that is the best case scenario.